Family Guy! The New version!
by Ryan the author
Summary: Originally posted as Family Guy Episode 51 project and now back with new names added to each chapter. Please R&R this. You get to meet someone new in Family guy in this story.
1. Brother2Brother

**Brother2Brother.**

**It seems today, that all you see, is violence in movies, and sex on TV, But where are those good old fashioned values. On which we used to rely. Lucky theirs a family guy. Lucky theirs a man who, positively can do, all the things that make us, Laugh and Cry. He's A Family Guy!**

**(A new character will be introduced, find out whom)**

Newport Massachusetts, 1976

Peter: holy freaking crap! I can't believe I'm actually getting married! (In a room with a mirror)

Quagmire: of course your getting married Peter and it's going to be in about 30 minutes.

Peter: so what can we do in 30 minutes?

Quagmire: you can start by letting me spoon with Lois. GiGda-GiGda-GiGda-GiGda!

Peter: I got an idea let's just get drunk.

Quagmire: sure.

(They are shown at the bar)

Bartender: I think you've had enough.

Peter: what... what is he talking about...? I'm…I'm, far from done.

Quagmire: get us another bar keep!

Bartender: Jesus! I never have seen two guys who can drink 25 beers in 3 minutes.

Peter: hey… ah… Quagmire…like… what's 30 minus 3.

Quagmire: daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

Bartender: are you guys stupid or are you just drunk?

Peter: isn't…isn't he dumb! He… he asked us if we were drunk… and the answer fine sir is yes and no! (Faints)

Quagmire: he fainted! Oh, right! (Faints)

Peter: (Awakes) ahh… what happened? (With hand on head)

Bartender: (Polishing cups as usual) you blanked out, you fat tub of lard.

Peter: I did? Wait… where's Quagmire?

Quagmire: (Standing somewhere near a woman, he attaches a string to a filled cup, and pulls it to make it fall on her dress) check and mate! Oooow!

(Peter)

Peter: oh, my god! I'm 5 minutes late! I got to give to the alter!

Bartender: actually more like 10 minutes late, but what does my opinion matter anyway?

Peter: yea, yeah sure I got go! (Runs off into doors)

(The Alter)

(The audience is shown and Mr. Pewtersmit is shown looking at his watch, Francious is shown with his arms crossed)

Preacher: uck! He is over 10 minutes late! We must've calleth it a night!

Lois: no! I know this man and he is never late!

(A kid is in the audience that looks somewhat like Peter only much skinnier and no glasses, plus he looks cooler)

Mr. Pewtersmit: alright! That's it! Come on down honey, he stood you up!

Lois: no, he did not I am not coming down from here until he gets here, and I'm telling you he will be here!

Francious: that's it, I be getting angry me self! That protitastin should learn how to just give up now!

Mr. Pewtersmit: are you saying my daughter isn't a quitter?

Francious: I ain't saying nothing about Saturday morning cartoons am I?

Mr. Pewtersmit: you son of bitch! (Jumps onto Francious and Starts chocking him but is soon punched in the face and on top of getting punched, Pewtersmit then kicks him off)

(The entire room begins to fight then including the preacher, punches after punches, kicks after kicks, beer drops after beer drops)

Mr. Pewtersmit: no body says anything about my daughter, and less of course it's Ted Turner, or Bill Gates.

Francious: who?

(They continue fighting until the doors turn open)

Peter: waittttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt! (Is running toward the alter) waitttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt! (Stops to take a breathe) waittttttttttttttttttttttttttttt! (Running toward Alter and getting there) you didn't think I was going to be late did you? Ha! Ha!

Lois: Peter, you were 15 minutes late.

Peter: ah, no I wasn't I was 5. (Looks at the audience) looks like everyone started the party early, ha, ha. Save some of those punches for me, would jua!

(Everyone sits down after they had stand in a attacking position to one another)

Preacher: (Gets back up to the alter) (Clears throat) ok, let's get this thing under way, shunt we.

Peter: it's time Lois.

Lois: yep…

Preacher: if there is anyone in the audience who feels these two should not be joined together please raise your hand.

Francious: (has his arms crossed and looks as if he really wants to raise his arms, but he doesn't)

Preacher: ok, let's get this over with then. Do you dearly beloved- yada… yada… yada. And do you- Yada… Yada… Yada! You may now kiss the bride.

(Piano goes off)

(Both Peter and Lois are about to kiss, when all of the sudden some guys busts down the door)

Super villain: now all the planets energy will belong to me! Energy stealer man!

Preacher: I say- I say who the, ell are you?

Super Villain: oh, actually I came for the wedding, sorry I'm late.

Peter: that's alright stealer.

Both: (Peter and Lois then kiss)

(Piano play)

(Some of the audience says yeah… whatever)

(The reception)

Peter: (Is shown standing talking to someone while drinking juice in a cup)

Mr. Pewtersmit: so, Peter, your married to my daughter aay.

Peter: yep, and I plan to steal your fortune.

Mr. Pewtersmit: what?

Peter: I said I plan to live happily.

Mr. Pewtersmit: oh. Well Peter from this day forward I plan to hate you until you divorce, so good life to you and Lois. (Walks way)

Peter: thanks Mr. Pewtersmit!

(The kid that some what looks like Peter walks over)

Peter: ah, Derrick! You crazy 11 year old! (Gives him a pat on the head)

Derrick: yea, yeah stop with all the kid stuff.

Peter: Derrick, you little child, you know I can't stop. Yes, you do! Yes you do! (Acting all like a person who thinks something is cute)

Derrick: I get the picture!

Peter: (starts announcing to everyone) hey guys, my little brother says I'm treating him like a child!

(Everyone starts to laugh)

Man: what a cute, dumb kid!

Man 2: yeah I know.

Female: maybe he needs a hug!

(Everyone continues laughing as it shows Derrick up close)

Derrick: stop it! Stop it!

Tom Tucker: (70's version) ah, the kid is angry now.

(Everyone acts like he is cute)

Quagmire: I guess, he needs a time out now. Oh!

Cleveland: my gosh, even white kids are cute.

Diane Simmons: (70's version) you know what this makes me want to do, go and start a news broadcasting shown with Tom Tucker.

Tom: it will never happen.

(Everyone gasps in cuteness)

Derrick: that's it! I'm out of here! (Walks out church door)

Peter: ah, there he goes, isn't he cute?

All: Yep!

Lois: (Comes over) I feel sorry for him.

Peter: what you talking about Lois, he's just a cute little kid, he gets like this all the time, and I just happen to be 10 years older then him.

Lois: well you should go out there and apologize to him now.

Peter: oh, ok. (Goes outside) hey Derrick! Derrick! (Looks around sidewalks and alleys) hmm… where could that cute kid of gone? Oh, well. (Walks back inside) let's party!

(Everyone begins to dance)

Quagmire: (Runs across the floor) Gigda-Gigda-Gigda-Gigda…

Peter: this is such a great party!

(Time passes on) Peter: Party! (More time goes by) Peter: Party! (Even more time goes by) Peter: Party!

(Later)

Francious: alright you're married and everything, now I'm going home. (Begins walking outside)

Peter: ok, dad.

Francious: where's Derrick at?

Peter: oh, he's a… no… he's… uhh… hmm… where is that kid at?

Francious: have you missed placed your brother, Peter?

Peter: I might have just left him hiding outside a little earlier today.

Francious: you… I don't even know what to call, ya! You have sinned in me name!

Peter: I didn't know losing your brother was a sin?

Francious: it's not but it is in my book! Now out of my way I have a son to find! (Runs outside door)

Peter: gosh I hope they find him, well anyway let's go and get hitched Lois!

Lois: aren't you going to help them find your brother?

Peter: ah, don't worry he'll turn up, he always does stuff like this, that cute little kid.

Lois: alright, I guess we can leave.

(They are outside in their car with Peter waving good bye to everyone)

Peter: bye!

Lois: good bye!

All: bye!

(They drive off with the cans dragging off and a sign saying "Just married, to a Protestant whore!")

(Pictures are shown of the years they have together)

(Present time or at least the year Family Guy takes place in)

Lois: (Is up in the attic looking at an old picture album) ahh. Look at that.

Peter: (Appears out of know where behind her) Hi!

Lois: (Shrieks loudly) holy crap! Oh, Peter. It's you.

Peter: grabs the book. Oh, yeah the old Griffin family album, I remember this good book, the years before I got married to you and the years after I married to you.

(Years before marriage)

Peter: (Looking in the album) this albums sucks! (Throws it to the ground)

(Present)

Peter: gosh I should show this to the kids.

(In TV room sitting on the couch)

Peter: oh, yeah and this is me sky diving with Louie Anderson, if you look hard enough you can see that he is actually eating an entire Bag of cheeseburgers.

Brian: that's obvious.

Chris: do you have any pictures of us as baby's dad?

Peter: Chris what are you thinking? Of course we don't have any pictures. Plus if we took one of you then you wouldn't even be able to see the background.

Lois: Peter!

Chris: it is true.

Meg: hey it's a picture of me signing on stage at the high school concert a few years back.

(Concert a few years back)

Meg: hello, everyone I am going to sing a song to you all.

Audience member: ah, great!

Audience member: what a waist of money!

Meg: Pieces, Pieces, Pieces of me…

(The radio breaks down)

Audience: boo!

Audience member 1: get off the stage!

(Everyone starts throwing pies)

Peter: boo! You stink! (Picks a pie up and throws it) he he he he he he he he. (Laughing like he does)

(Present)

Peter: those were the days; hey take a look at this it's a picture of General James Griffin from the Revolutionary war.

(James Griffin Revolutionary war times)

James: I Major. Sgt. General of the American army plans to destroy King George's men and go head on into the great kingdom!

Audience: (Cheers and so do the soldiers)

James: but 1st we have to not do anything until about 1776.

Man: but sir that's like 10 years from now.

James: yeah I know. He he he he he he he he.

(Present)

Stewie: I say, who the hell is that skinny but somewhat looks like you tike right there? (Points toward picture of Derrick and Peter while in Lois's arms)

Peter: someone who's name will not be mentioned in this house hold.

Lois: Peter you can't just forget to tell the kids about your brother.

Peter: ah, fine I will. That there kids is your uncle Derrick.

Meg: we have an uncle?

Chris: cool I want an uncle, heard everyone else has one.

Brian: how come you never mentioned him to us?

Peter: because he is a no good back stabbing run away that's what.

Lois: Peter, you should show some respect.

Peter: respect? Respect for that guy? Please Lois he just ran off and never came back.

Lois: well maybe you should have treated him better the night we were married.

Peter: we treated him fine.

Stewie: are there any other pictures of him?

Peter: no because he never once wanted to take any other pictures rather then this one.

Lois: didn't the search teams ever find him.

Peter: nope, they searched high and low but they never found him and I am glad they didn't.

Lois: but you just cancelled the search after one year.

Peter: he was long gone Lois, if they would have looked any longer they would have been exhausted.

Lois: but Peter people search for years for other people all the time.

Peter: all I know is that he could be in space with Jimmy Hoffa.

(Spaceship)

(Aliens and Hoffa sit at a table playing poker)

Jimmy: I call. Looks like I win again!

Alien: hey wait a minute!

(An aliens long tentacles goes out and grabs a card out from his sleeve)

Alien: Hoffa, you cheated again!

Jimmy: I never cheated in my life, that's just a rainy day card.

Alien: yeah and pigs fly! And pigs fly!

(Griffin house)

(Later that day)

Peter: (Is shown watching TV with Brian) this shows great!

Brian: yeah it is isn't it?

(Saturday night live)

Host: I would like to sing and dance but I see that, that's already been done.

Audience: (Laughs)

Host: (Laughs too) ha-ha! Why am I laughing? It wasn't even funny nor did it make sense.

Audience: (Laughs)

Host: that just goes to show you how horrible the writing of this show is.

(Everyone laughs again)

(Now showing Peter)

Host: what's wrong with you people?

Audience: (Laughs)

Peter: god, Saturday Night Live is so damn funny.

(Knock at door)

Peter: ah, crap who could that be? (Gets up and answers the door) hello.

Person: hello…

Peter: we don't want any.

Person: Peter!

Peter: how do you know my name?

Person: it's me Peter.

Peter: umm… I don't recall.

Person: can't you see the resemblance!

Peter: have no clue.

Person: just like you Peter to forget a face.

Peter: hey I know who you are!

Person: who?

Peter: your- Siegfried. Listen I know I owe you money but I gave it all to the lion that almost killed you.

Person: no you moron! It's me!

Peter: uhh…

Person: (Raises a picture of Derrick and Peter)

Peter: yeah it's a picture of me and my brother. What's the catch?

Person: who was 10 years younger then you?

Peter: Derrick.

Person: ok, now who is on the left of this picture?

Peter: Derrick.

Person: alright your almost there and who is the person holding this picture who is on the left?

Peter: Derrick.

Person: exactly.

Peter: oh, I think I get it.

Person: really?

Peter: no I don't have a clue of to what you're talking about.

Person: dahhhhhhhhhh! Damnit Peter it's me Derrick!

Peter: oh, my god! Derrick! For real?

Derrick: for real.

Peter: but you disappeared in 1976. Where have you been all of these years?

Derrick: I've been to Florida, Canada, Massachusetts, California, Maryland, China, Switzerland, Japan, Hungary, King Salmon and the Eastside Boys!

Peter: whoa! That is sure a lot of places.

Derrick: yes, it is isn't it?

Peter: (Slaps him across the face)

Derrick: ow!

Peter: that's for disappearing for more then 20 years.

Derrick: ok, ok sorry, sorry.

Brian: (Comes to the door) so this is Derrick, huh?

Peter: yeah, how did you know Brian?

Brian: oh, I was just listing from the couch; I was right next to the door.

Peter: well as I was saying you disappeared! You didn't call, you didn't write, you surly didn't send any plane Curriers.

Derrick: I know it's just that I was out for so long that I missed my family, so I decided to come back to Quahog.

Peter: did you go to dad too?

Derrick: no of course not. Do you know what he will do to me if he saw me again?

Peter: ah, sick the pope on you?

Derrick: worse! The entire catholic church of Christ's Staff and Teachers!

Peter: whoa!

Derrick: maybe even Jesus himself!

Peter: that sure is drastic.

Derrick: so I have decided to come and live with you and Lois.

Peter: well that's said and- duh what?

Derrick: come on Peter I could use a place to stay at, I mean a lot of brothers live with each other.

Peter: hmm… (Looks at Derrick hard) hmm… (Looks around) you seem clean enough. Come in.

Derrick: (Comes in)

Peter: (Quickly closes the door in a hurry)

Derrick: thanks brother! (Hugs him tight)

Peter: but no more running off.

Derrick: you have my word.

Peter: good.

Brian: so your Derrick Griffin, I've heard very little of you. (Shakes his hand)

Derrick: I've never seen you before either, ah, Brian? Is that correct?

Brian: yep.

Derrick: wow that's great. Say Peter are you and Lois still married, or did you drop her for this dog?

Peter: nope were still married.

Derrick: wow it's been so long that I forgot that you two have been married for many years now.

Peter: well maybe some people shouldn't have walked out of the family.

Derrick: come on Peter can't we just have a little fun like we used to when we were kids.

Peter: we were hardly ever kids together. Remember I'm 10 years older then you.

Derrick: well even so we felt like kids, when we were children Peter.

(Lois walks in)

Lois: and who might this be Peter?

Derrick: wow, Lois you look just as good as you did in the 70's.

Lois: oh, well I don't believe I know who you are.

Derrick: it's me Derrick.

Lois: (gaps) Peter's little brother!

Derrick: yep in the flesh.

Lois: where have you been all of these years?

Derrick: well I was in Florida, Canada, Massachusetts, California, Maryland, China, Switzerland, Japan, Hungary, King Salmon and the Eastside Boys!

Lois: I'm not familiar with the last one.

Derrick: neither was I till I got there.

(King Salmon and the Eastside boys)

Derrick: wow this country sure is small, there's France right there.

Solider: (Runs into Derrick) out of our way were going to war!

(A bunch of soldiers come out of know where and run to France)

Derrick: wow! I sure do love this country.

(Griffin house)

Chris: (Walks in) hey, dad who's that?

Peter: that my dear boy is my long lost brother Derrick.

Chris: no way! That's Uncle Derrick? Wow he's skinny!

Derrick: wow you have a son Peter?

Peter: yes I do have a son, unlike you.

Derrick: I can't stand kids why would I want one?

Meg: (walks in) (gasps) oh, my gosh!

Derrick: who is she?

Peter: that's my son Meg. I mean my "daughter" Meg.

Derrick: wow!

Meg: he he hi!

Derrick: she sure is ugly Peter.

Meg: huh?

Derrick: wow Peter you got a nice place here, say what do you…

Stewie: (Comes running in) I say, is that a miniature Peter? Blast you! Who is that attractive young man?

Derrick: (Walks over) ah, look so you did have another boy in the family, I was beginning to worry. Ha-ha. (Picks Stewie up)

Stewie: ah! I say let me down you file man!

Derrick: ah, he has one good vocabulary. Hey can you say uncle?

Stewie: (Sighs) uncle.

Derrick: that's one smart baby you got there Peter.

Stewie: and how do you clarify smart?

Derrick: (puts him down) so where am I going to sleep?

Lois: wait a minute you, want to stay here?

Derrick: yeah Peter told me I could.

Lois: heh heh. (Talks with a smile to Peter) Peter can I talk to you a minute in the other room?

(They both go in the other room)

Lois: Peter! How can you just let him sleep here, for lord knows how long?

Peter: hey he missed his family, and well I don't think he came all this way for nothing.

Lois: …

Peter: come on Lois just let him stay for awhile and will judge him from that.

Lois: well if he screws up at all I want him gone.

Peter: you have my word. (Drums roll like at JFK Motorcade)

(The TV room)

Derrick: so, ah, you're my nephew?

Chris: yeah isn't that neat?

Derrick: yeah, sure. And you're my girl niece?

Meg: uh, yeah.

Derrick: umm… hmm… if I were to judge you both I'd give Chris here a 9 out of 10 and you 5 out of 10.

Meg: why?

Derrick: because.

Brian: so Derrick you seem a bit more sophisticated then peter, have you always been like this?

Derrick: yeah, I was always the smartest of the family; I never liked Catholic school and wanted to take a career in acting but that back fired drastically when I tried it.

Brian: hey I could probably help you there.

Derrick: you could? Well, I mean no offense, but, you know you are a dog.

Brian: well then you obviously haven't seen my 7 films I directed.

Derrick: cool did they star Kevin Spacey?

Brian: umm… no actually you can't say they were really top notch films.

Derrick: oh, you work independent I like that.

Brian: ah, yeah sure. Independent films.

Derrick: well then I would be happy to watch them.

Brian: how's about another time.

Derrick: sounds fine to me, can't wait till then.

Brian: ha, ha ha… right.

(A bit later the family guy music plays to introduce the next scene at the dinner table)

(Derrick and everyone sits at a seat)

Derrick: (Takes a bite of the food with his fork) this is really good, Lois… I've never had anything like it before.

Lois: well… thank you. He's definitely better mannered Peter.

Peter: huh? What? (Digs his face into his food and moves around a lot eating it like a dog and then wiggles his face) well… that was good. Hey Chris I think Gumble2Gumble is on.

Chris: alright!

(They both run off to the TV room)

Lois: well there goes another night of no rinsed dishes.

Derrick: oh, apish-posh I can handle the dishes.

Lois: oh, (Chuckles) really?

Derrick: it's the least I can do for letting me stay here for awhile.

Lois: thank you.

Derrick: you enjoy yourself.

Lois: (Picks Stewie up to take him to bed)

Stewie: no, file woman! Put me down, I don't want to go to a nap; I want to talk to Uncle Derrick.

Lois: ah, Stewie wants to get to know his uncle.

Derrick: uh… well Lois I'm not much of a kid person.

Lois: I think you two should get to know each other. (Puts him down in his chair and walks away)

Derrick: ok, I guess I'll handle the baby.

Stewie: I say do you enjoy being her bitch!

Derrick: whoa there! Should a baby like you be using that kind of language?

Stewie: I say what I want.

Derrick: I was just being nice; I'm not being anyone's bitch or anything.

Stewie: well, normally the guest would sit down and watch Gumble2Gumble, not do the dishes.

Derrick: well, it's probably something you'll understand when your older ah, Billy.

Stewie: what did you just call me?

Derrick: Billy. (Cleans a dish)

Stewie: blast you! My name is not Billy! Although I wish it were. But it's Stewie you insignificant Deuce!

Derrick: you know you remind me of me at that age. Didn't take no for an answer nor did ask to be potty trained.

Stewie: yeah well- wait? What?

Derrick: I remember those golden years like they were yesterday. (Thinks in his mind)

Stewie: hmm…

Derrick: I always hated it!

Stewie: what?

Derrick: my child hood sucked. My father would always come in and say, (Talks like Francious) "ye be missing out on, all the good things in life, now go to church, go to school, learn acrobatics, scrub my back, make me dinner!" I practically took care of this whole family when I was young and hardily got any respect! I see a lot of that in you, Stewie.

Stewie: me? Well actually, I'm better off then you, think, you know drinking my wa-wa, and plotting to kill Lois have never been better.

Derrick: see, I never had goals when I was your age, because my father prevented me from having them, and so did your father as well. I see times have changed and he doesn't treat you like he did me. (Washes a dish) but I'm sure he'll treat me just the same!

Stewie: well, Mr. Uncle Man, maybe you should set up to your problems and set ground rules with the fatman.

Derrick: you, know what your right! I'm going to march in there right now and give him a piece of my mind! (Runs into the TV room) Peter!

Peter: huh!

(Gumbel2Gumbel is on)

Derrick: I need to tell you something so I may take it off my chest!

Peter: uh-huh. (Focused on TV)

Derrick: I think you should treat me like family now! Not like some cute little child! Because 1 thing I ain't little anymore, nor am I cute to your likings!

Peter: uh-huh.

Derrick: now if I'm going to live here I demand I don't do everything for you, like when I was a kid!

Peter: uh-huh.

Derrick: and I expect you to give me respect as an adult, not as a minor anymore, I mean I'm freaking 32 now! So get over the loss of what I use to be!

Peter: yeah.

Derrick: have you heard a single word I have said?

Peter: uh-huh.

Derrick: (Turns around turns off the TV and looks at Peter)

Peter: hey it was getting to the climax!

Derrick: if you're going to be my brother you'd listen to what I have to say!

Peter: Derrick, we treated you fine as a kid.

Derrick: you never knew what it was like to be me when I was 10 and younger. Oh, dad treated you fine, but not me, I was just considered the young man of the family, and I want that to change!

Peter: Derrick… I never thought it like that before.

Derrick: well… start thinking!

Peter: well, I hope you know dad didn't like me any better then you!

Derrick: really? Well, sorry for you! (Sarcastic)

Peter: well, then… I'm not going to have someone who thinks he can take control of my family in this family, so I suggest you leave. Good day to you sir. (Points toward door exit)

Derrick: fine Peter, if that's your choice. (Walks toward the door)

Lois: (Comes walking in) Peter! What is going on down here!

Peter: I'm just telling Derrick that he isn't welcome here.

Lois: Peter, let me stay. Obviously he is hurt after all those years you guys took advantage of him.

Peter: hey, we treated him fine, we said he was cute every so often, but that was only because he was young and enlightening.

Derrick: (Opens the door) well, you aren't going to see me for another 20 years now. Good-bye Peter, and maybe when I return in 20 years, you'll final treat me better, or maybe you'll be dead. Either way works for me. (Closes door)

Lois: Peter! You march right out there and apologize now. He's your brother for Pete's sakes! He looks up to you!

Peter: alright, alright, fine I'll go and say I'm sorry to him. (Begins walking toward door)

(The door opens up and Derrick runs in with a hammer and boards to hold the door shut)

Derrick: hide me! (As he hammers nails in)

Peter: what?

Derrick: I said hide me!

Peter: what's going on-?

Francious: (At the window) Derrick! Are you in there boy!

Peter: ah, crap it's dad!

Francious: Peter! You better let me in, I know Derrick's in there! Ye better open up! Don't make me sick Jesus on you!

Peter: ahh… nobody's home.

Derrick: (Puts his hand on his own face)

Francious: open up the damn door! (Starts banging on the door, really loudily)

Peter: Derrick, go into the basement!

Derrick: okay. (Runs down the basement)

Francious: (Makes holes through the door with an axe until it falls down)

Peter: well, hey dad, what brings you here?

Francious: I've smelled Derrick!

Peter: no, you must be smelling- ah- someone who isn't Derrick.

Francious: I smell him alright, he's here and you're hiding him. I can't wait to find him, and teach him a lesson he won't soon forget mind ya. And I may just teach you one to Peter. Now out of my way! (Walks in to start searching for Derrick) where in god's name are ye boy! I know your in here somewhere! (Opens up a cabinet and throws cups and dishes out)

Lois: Peter! Get him out of here!

Peter: listen dad… umm… Derrick's smell has just been left here from oh, so amy years ago.

Francious: what are ye saying, the smell just came now!

Peter: ah, no… no it didn't.

Francious: (Thinks he hears something) uh-ha! You thought you could hide him in the basement aay! Well guess, what ye had another thing coming! (Walks toward basement)

Peter: (Runs in front of him) come on dad, just give Derrick a chance to make it up to everyone.

Francious: oh, he'll make it up to everyone alright. After I kill him! (Opens door with Peter fallowing)

Peter: dad, he wants to make it up to us, but only if we make up what we did to him over those many years.

Francious: what? Treating with respect, and telling him the lord's teachings! How is that not a good childhood.

Peter: well we made him do everything for us.

Francious: well, it builds strong bone, me say.

(They both get to the bottom and Derrick stands there)

Francious: Derrick after all these years! Ye didn't write, nor call, you didn't even send a plane currier, I mean that would have been nice so we would of known you were alright.

Derrick: well, father, I am alright and I needed to get away that's why I left, I needed to find myself.

Francious: well, son could you at least tell me where you went.

Derrick: well I was in Florida, Canada, Massachusetts, California, Maryland, China, Switzerland, Japan, Hungary, and King Salmon and the Eastside Boys!

Francious: wow! Derrick you've been to all of those places.

Derrick: yes, I have and I have gotten in touch with the tribes in those areas.

Brian: (From the top of the stairs) I didn't know there were tribes in Florida.

Derrick: oh, yeah there are plenty of them all over the place. There called crack joints or something like that.

Francious: well, Derrick, Peter says I should make it up to you. (Walks up to Derrick) can you ever forgive me son?

Derrick: (Sits and thinks for a moment) you know dad, maybe I will.

Francious: then I apologize Derrick. (Slaps Derrick in the face)

Derrick: hey!

Francious: that's for leaving for 20 years! Oh, son give your old man a hug!

(They have a hug)

Peter: hey, you haven't hugged me since you lived here for a awhile.

Francious: that's because I don't like you.

(Everyone starts to laugh including Peter as the house is shown from the outside)

(End credits shows Peter and family)

Peter: something that Family Guy has never done before is adding a new character to the family, and we all together want to welcome Derrick to this family, now all who agree we should have him in say "Yay"

People: "Yay"

Other people: "Nay"

Peter: (Counts 50 on the Yay side and 60 on the Nay side)

Peter: ah, crap… ah, the Yay side wins!

Yay side: Yay! (In cheer)

Nay side: Nay! That isn't right!

Peter: so Derrick is going to be apart of the cast of Family Guy! See yea next time!

(End credits like in show)


	2. Critics suck!

**Critics suck!**

(This one may not be as good as the other I got writers block when I made it and that is why I did not post back, I kept growing other ideas for this new Family Guy saga and I was just dying to end it, it is much shorter then the other one and like I said it will be your opinion on if you like it or not) (I can't wait to continue it)

Derrick: hey Peter… (Standing next to bathroom door)

Peter: what is it Derrick?

Derrick: you got any reading material in this here bathroom?

Peter: yes… but don't look at the magical ones. If you know what I mean, they make you fly through the roof! I love those magazines. (Walks away)

Derrick: umm… ok. (Walks in and sees a magazine sticking out and looks at it) 4 bad reviews for the Family Guy episode 51 project. I'm not surprised; of course most of these reviewers are crack heads.

(From outside the door you can here Derrick talking to himself)

Derrick: hmm… what's this…? (Is looking at something) oh, god! It's too much to handle! Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh! (Flies through the roof screaming the air)

Peter: (Goes into the bathroom looking through the hole) I told you it makes you fly through the roof, hehehehehehehehe!

**Its seems today, that all you see, is violence in movies, and sex on TV, But where are those good old fashioned values. On which we used to rely. Lucky theirs a family guy. Lucky theirs a man who, positively can do, all the things that make us, Laugh and Cry. He's A Family Guy!**

**(Note to readers I took this from someplace else and am not responsible for making any corrections to it)**

**(The family sits in the TV room, watching some TV)**

Commercial: now in theaters, Family Guy episode 51 project the stuff you didn't see from the lost series.

Peter: that's one of the worst shows I've ever seen, I mean why would they make a movie?

Brian: budgeting Peter, budgeting.

Commercial: terrible reviews galore! That's Family Guy episode 51 project, rated PG-13 for political garbage for 13 year olds.

Chris: ah, sweet dad, I want to see that movie!

Peter: but Chris you heard the weird sounding critic announcer it got terrible reviews.

Chris: but dad usually movies that get bad reviews are always good to little kids.

Peter: (Sighs) fine… fine I guess I'll go. (Gets up and walks over to a toy car and almost trips on it) oh whoops- (Thinks to himself and then a light bulb goes over his head) (He then purposely slips on the car and falls on his back) oh god… oh god… ahhhh! I "Accidentally" slipped on this toy car. Now I won't be able to go to the movie with you Chris.

Brian: (Walks over) your luckily I took nursing in college, or you would have to stay home for some time. (Looks at Peters foot) there done!

Peter: what the? How can you just do that!

Brian: Peter, I'm god.

Peter: huh?

Brian: I said I'm a dog.

Peter: ohhhh! I just heard you! Okay Chris let's go.

(They both leave and go to the movie theater)

Brian: (Pulls out his report card for nursing in college) (it reads F's in all category's) oh… I am so sorry Peter…

(In the car)

Peter: (Drives the car but does not look happy) I can't believe this… my one day off and this is how you treat me Chris.

Chris: but you always are on a day off.

Peter: well this one was special. Now I have to watch a Family Guy movie.

Derrick: (In the car) well, I've wanted to see this movie as well.

Peter: what? Where the hell did you come from?

Derrick: oh, I've been here and there.

Peter: well that's just crap, now I have to take both of you to the same place. That'll be great!

(They keep on driving)

(In the theater)

(From the movie)

Bartender: (Polishing cups as usual) you blanked out, you fat tub of lard.

Waffle: I did? Wait… where's Wakemire?

Wakemire: (Standing somewhere near a woman, he attaches a string to a filled cup, and pulls it to make it fall on her dress) check and mate! Oooow!

(In Audience)

Peter: this movie sucks! Of course it doesn't match up to what Gili did to me…

(Audience for Gili)

Peter: oh, my god! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! (His eyes start burning and he screams) my eyes! My eyes! They're burning! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Damn you, Ben Afleck!

(Back to the audience for Chris's movie)

(The Movie ends with a bunch of people laughing)

(Credits roll)

Peter: what was the point?

Derrick: you know Peter I don't think it was really that bad a movie, I think it was a bit underrated.

Chris: yeah, that movie was cool! With all the BLAM! And the SLAM! And the BA-ROOM!

Peter: I think it was crap!

(They all drive home)

(In bed with Lois)

Lois: Peter what's wrong with you?

Peter: oh, it's that crappy movie I saw… do you think it has any hidden meaning to it?

Lois: Peter it's just a rated PG movie.

Peter: but with in its crappiness I felt a calling…

Lois: like what?

Peter: I get it now, honey! It's been so obvious all along, I just never noticed it! I have to become a film critic!

Ebert and Robert: nope, nope, we give that thumbs down! (Put their thumbs down)

Peter: you lousy good for nothings I'll teach about coming in my home! (Pulls out a bat and starts chasing them around the room)

Ebert: ah!

Robert: ah! Oh, god!

Peter: ah!

(The next day at breakfast)

Peter: (Looking at the newspaper) ok… ok… alright… that sounds good…

Brian: Peter, what are you doing?

Peter: I'm going to become a film critic, it says right here all I have to do is write a review and send it in and I'll be one.

Brian: Peter, do you even have a review in mind?

Peter: well… there is… no actually not. But there is that piece of crap movie I saw last night.

Brian: oh, yeah? Well, what made it so bad?

Peter: well… umm… you know I don't really know…but it… it was bad though.

Brian: really? It was bad?

Peter: yeah, it was bad… you know bad…

Brian: Peter you can't write a review if you can't explain to the reader why a movie was good or why it was bad you have to give it in full detail so the reader will agree with you. You can't just write, it was bad over and over again.

Peter: well… it was…

Brian: Peter, maybe you should look at other reviews for inspiration.

Peter: yeah well how the hell do I do that?

Brain: (Grabs Peter's paper and turns it to reviews section)

Peter: oh…

(Upstairs later)

(Meg sitting on her bed, doing nothing)

Derrick: (Walks up stairs to the door) so… Megan… when exactly were you put into this family?

Meg: (Looks at Derrick)

Derrick: ok… maybe you don't want to give me that information. Well at least tell me how old you are.

Meg: (Just sits there)

Derrick: bitch. (Walks away)

Stewie: (Appears at door) Change me! (Throws a diaper at her) and make sure it's in good taste!

(Submitting office)

Office head: Mr. Griffin, I can't take this review…

Peter: why, not? I did everything that it needs!

Office head: well, Mr. Griffin let me read some of it: "1st it was very fast paced and turned into a slow action flick but over all it was a great action film, I want lettuce on my sandwich Lois, no Lois not the kind that's melted but the kind that editable" and you continue on about this Lois person with more bits of the review.

Peter: so, my wife asked me if I wanted a sandwich and I said yes.

Office Head: but why did you write it down?

Peter: write what down?

Office Head: what you said to your wife!

Peter: because I was talking to her.

Office Head: okay…

Peter: so are you going to take my review or not?

Office Head: no.

Peter: you son of a bitch! (Jumps on the office head)

(Later at home)

Lois: Derrick, we haven't set up a place for you at the dinner table. (Sets one) here right next to me and Peter.

Derrick: (Sits down) why thank you Lois.

Lois: so, Peter did you get your review in?

Peter: tuh, no! That guy won't let me submit if the review isn't for say a review.

Brian: well, Peter most of the time a review is supposed to be a review.

Peter: well, I happened to think it was a fine review.

Derrick: Peter do you even have any skills in journalism?

Peter: I have plenty, like that time I was on the news filling in for Tom Tucker.

(News room when he was an anchor)

Peter: umm… in other news… (Looking at Diane) umm… In other news Diane has the sexiest body in the world, is it true? Yes! Find out more at 11:00.

(Back to now)

Derrick: well, Peter I won't get in your way… but do you even know the right amount of text you should have in a review?

Peter: well… a lot…

Derrick: well it has to explain every missed detail.

Meg: I agree with Uncle Derrick-

Derrick: shut up.

Peter: you guys aren't showing me enough confidence here! (Gets up and walks near the way out of the kitchen) I'm going to write a review so good that you won't even know it was me… he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he well, you'll see! (Walks away)

Derrick: hmm… ohh… Meatloaf! (Saying that it's good)

(Scene switch, the music plays as Derrick is shown settling in, in the basement)

Lois: (Comes walking down the stairs) Derrick I hope you don't mind it if I do a bit of laundry down here while you unpack.

Derrick: okay, I don't mind. (Putting his own sheets on his bed)

Lois: (Looks the other way toward the washer and dryer)

Derrick: (Is shown looking at her behind) wow… ever since the 70's…. (Quietly) (He looks at her as he puts his clothes out) hmm… I wonder… (Realizes) no, no, no! She's my sister in law, I mean I know I've always been attracted to her and had a secret fetish but now I have to face her as my sister in law, damn it!

Lois: (Looks at Derrick) what's wrong Derrick?

Derrick: oh, nothing… (Acts kind of sexual) nothing at all… (Winks toward us)

(The next day)

Peter: (Comes walking in the house) guess what?

Brian: what Peter?

Peter: I got a review submitted!

Lois: really? That's wonderful Peter!

Peter: yep, I know, and they said they would post it in the next thousand years, that goes to show you that I'm n my way!

Lois: umm… well… umm… that's good for you Peter!

Derrick: (Laughing to himself)

Brian: (Starts to laugh as well)

(Lois and Peter are hugging)

Brian: did, you have to deal with stupidity Derrick?

Derrick: yep, Peter's always been this stupid, but what can I say? If Peter weren't here we wouldn't be here! (Starts laughing)

Brian: what?

Derrick: oh, I have no idea…

(End credits)


	3. Hidden Passions

**Hidden Passions.**

**It seems today, that all you see is violence in movies, and sex on TV, but where are those good old fashioned values. On which we used to rely. Lucky theirs a family guy. Lucky theirs a man who, positively can do, all the things that make us, Laugh and Cry. He's A Family Guy!**

(Pewtersmit mansion)

(Peter and the gang come walking in and Mr. Pewtersmit is standing)

Lois: say, hello to your grandpa.

Both: (Meg and Chris run up to Carter and hug him)

Carter: oh, hello there Megan, hello there Christopher.

Chris: who's Christopher?

Carter: oh, it doesn't matter.

Derrick: (To Peter) he hasn't changed much these past 20 years he still sounds the same it's just his hair changed color.

Peter: yeah, I know I'm surprised it isn't blue.

Derrick: what?

Carter: (Walks over to Lois and hugs her and then walks up to Peter) umm… so then is this Derrick Peter?

Peter: yes it's my brother Derrick.

Carter: well, then Derrick welcome to the family. (Shakes his hand)

Derrick: thanks Mr. Pewtersmit.

Carter: just call me Carter.

Peter: hey, you never told me I could just call you Carter.

Carter: I haven't oh… well there's no need to do it now then.

(On a balcony sitting)

Derrick: (Sits in a chair)

Carter: (Sits in another chair) so…

Derrick: yeah…

Carter: where have you been the past 20 years?

Derrick: oh, this place and that place, you know almost… almost allover the place, you know traveling to places outside of this country and in it, most likely I would… you know.

Carter: hmm… that sounds pretty good. You've grown since the last time I saw you.

Derrick: yeah… yeah… as little kids tend to do after about 20 years, you know… I'm only 32 now though…

Carter: then that makes you 10 years younger then Peter.

Derrick: yeah… yeah… you know that's right. I'm uhh… not against that assumption…

Carter: yes… (Takes a drink out of his glass)

Derrick: umm… Mr. Pewtersmit…

Carter: what is it Derrick?

Derrick: have you ever had inner feelings for someone but never told them about it?

Carter: umm… well who hasn't I had inner feelings for Barbara and we ended up married.

Derrick: no, I mean inner feelings as in like a fetish or something.

Carter: umm… no…

Derrick: oh…

Carter: with whom do you have it with?

Derrick: oh, someone you've probably met.

Carter: well, Derrick the only way to break out of a fetish Derrick is to conduct sexual relations with this person and you'll lose interest.

Derrick: so, your saying all I have to do is, umm… you know… and then I'll stop… umm… you knowing.

Carter: well, everyone should know that Derrick.

Derrick: oh, I see I see.

Carter: this isn't with someone who's really close to me, is it?

Derrick: no, no, no, it's some of the most far away of a relationship that you can get.

Carter: hmm…

(Sometime later)

(Lois and them are getting ready to leave)

Carter: nice to see you all again and you too Derrick.

Derrick: umm… thanks Carter.

Lois: see you daddy.

Peter: bye, Mr. Pewtersmit!

Carter: bye, fat ass.

Peter: ah, he's so nice to me. (He really thinks it to)

Meg: bye grandpa.

Chris: bye-bye Grandpa.

(In the car on their way home)

Derrick: (Looking at Lois in the passenger seat) Mind: ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh…. She's so… freaking hot! This goes back to the 1st time I met Lois…

(Cut to the 70's before they were Lois and Peter were married)

Peter: (Come walking in) aaay! (Pointing his fingers out) hey, dad! Dad!

Francious: (Comes walking in) what is it Peter?

Peter: guess who I brought home?

Francious: you mean I finally get to meet her?

Peter: yep. Lois come on in!

Lois: (Comes walking in with her 70's young girl look)

Francious: (Slaps Peter) you told me she was ugly!

Peter: ah, dad sometimes we never know what you're talking about.

Derrick: (Young kid version comes walking in) hey, dad where's the- (Starts to look at Lois)

Lois: (Says hello to Francious)

Derrick: (his eyes are widen and he is very attracted toward her)

Lois: (Walks up to Derrick) oh, hello there, you must be Derrick. (Putting her hand out for a shake)

Derrick: ra-mu-bu-a-la-ua-wa-ea-ra-ta-ya.

Lois: well…

Derrick: Story: It was at that moment that it seemed like I had seen a goddess and that I never again would feel the same as I was before I met Lois.

(A little later at the dinner table they all sit at it talking)

Margaret: (Smoking and talking at the same time) so, Lois honey what family are you from?

Lois: oh, I'm from the Pewtersmit family, you may have heard of them before.

Francious: oh, I have…. I sure have. (Looking at Peter)

Peter: yeah, and I met her father who seems to be one rich son of a bitch.

Francious: Peter!

Peter: oh, sorry.

Derrick: are you really that hot? (He says really fast)

Lois: what?

Derrick: oh, nothing. Nothing at all.

(A little later sitting in the living room)

Lois: umm… Peter could I take a shower here, I never was able to this morning.

Peter: you can do whatever you want my little sugar dumpling, covered in noodles and delicious sauce and number 3 on the menu.

Lois: (Walks away into the bathroom)

Derrick: (Is shown is his room) (He then gets up and walks to the bathroom door) (He knocks on the door) is anyone in there? I know I hear shower water.

(There is no answer)

Derrick: then I'm coming in! (He opens the door) I thought-

Lois: (Sees Derrick from shower) ahhhhhhhh! (Covers herself)

Derrick: oh, my beautiful lord.

Lois: close the door!

Derrick: (Closes the door and looks shocked) wow!

(Back to the car in the present)

Derrick: Mind: ever since that day Lois has been almost the only thing that I've thought about for the past 20 years and I'm glad she still looks just as attractive as ever.

(A few days later at the Griffin house)

Peter: Lois! Lois!

Lois: yes, Peter?

Peter: I'm going to be going on an extended fishing trip and I won't be back for the whole weekend.

Lois: what are the odds Meg and Chris are staying at friends houses.

Peter: so, that just leaves you, Derrick, Brian, and Stewie.

Lois: wow, at least I can start to bond with Derrick.

Derrick: (Appears up stairs in the room near Peter and Lois) when you say weakened Peter, do you mean Today, Saturday, and Sunday?

Peter: yep pretty much.

Derrick: oh….. Okay…

Peter: this is going to be great for you guys, you guys just getting know each other over the weakened that I'm gone, telling stories and telling of exploits once had, not having sex with each other just getting know each other more. It'll be great for you 2.

Lois: yeah, it should be.

Derrick: yeah…it should… (With a sexual tension to his voice)

Peter: well, I'm going… bye! I already have all my fishing equipment in the car! (Walks out)

Lois: bye Peter!

Derrick: see you Peter!

(He drives off)

(Derrick and Lois sit next to each other while watching a movie)

(The movie)

Man: Elisa I have had so much love for you since the day that we met! (Love music)

Elisa: what are you talking about I'm only 15 years old!

Man: I love you Elisa, I want to be with you, I want to have children with you and be sexual toward you!

Elisa: that's it I'm calling the police.

Man: I still have a profound love for you!

(Out of the movie)

Derrick: good movie…

Lois: yep… really good movie.

Derrick: Kevin Spacey can sure give a good performance.

Lois: yeah, he's a good actor, and so can that Dakota Fanning playing a 15 year old. (Chuckles a bit)

Derrick: yeah… (Watching the movie)

Lois: (Watching the movie)

Derrick: (Puts his arm on her left shoulder) umm… do you mind is I rest my arm?

Lois: umm… not at all I guess.

(The movie continues to play)

Derrick: you mind if I rest my head on your shoulder?

Lois: umm… sure…

Derrick: (Rests his head on her shoulder)

(The movie)

Handicap man: Elisa I know deep down inside that you love the man.

Elisa: what are you talking about I don't know you or that man! All I can say is that your all child molesters!

Handicap man: that's what you think.

(Out of movie)

Derrick: you mind if I touch your breast?

Lois: what?

Derrick: (Let's go of Lois completely and just sits normal) what? (Acting like he didn't say anything)

Lois: (Eyeballing Derrick) is there something you would like to say to me Derrick?

Derrick: oh, no! No, of course not there is nothing to tell, I'm fine, your fine, we are all fine.

Lois: well, okay… if you have nothing to say.

Derrick: trust me I don't.

Lois: okay…

(They continue to watch the movie till the end credits roll)

(That night)

Lois: Derrick I'm going to bed, make sure you turn out the lights.

Derrick: ok, Lois! Now to test my system I installed. (Takes out a camera and presses a button and has a view of Lois's room) oh, god yes… (He sees Lois in her night gown getting into bed) ahhhhhhhhhhh! So many urges so little time.

(The next morning)

(At the table Stewie, Brian and Derrick sit)

Lois: (Is cooking breakfast) (She gives them all plates if breakfast foods) here you go boys.

Stewie: I say this looks a whole lot like what we always have every single day. But you know what, I'm not going to let it get to me, you know I should really apply myself to things like poetry or writing in literature I think that would really you know… help my growth.

Brian: just shut up okay Stewie.

Stewie: I'm only delivering my hopes and dreams dog and your not apart of it!

Derrick: (Starts eating the food)

Lois: (Sits down right next to Derrick) (She starts eating food herself)

Derrick: (Is admiring her eating her food) Mind: oh, god that is so hot! No, no, I can't focus on her right now I need to eat I'm starving! (Starts eating) now what am I going to do today? I know I'll start by having rough sex with Lois. Wait no! That's not what I want! Damn it I'm obsessed.

Lois: Derrick, you better watch how much you eat one after another Derrick, you don't want to get indigestion.

Derrick: oh, I won't honey, I mean Lois.

Stewie: what the devil is this! Is this some kind of cardboard shaped like an egg? God, can't anyone in this house cook anything right?

(Later that day)

Lois: (Is talking on the phone to Peter) everything's fine Peter Brian has been fantastic and Stewie is just Stewie. Derrick? Oh I think he's been fine, although I think he's been acting kind of weird though, I'm sure he'll get over it.

Derrick: (Was on the wall listening in the next room) Mind: she's talking about me. The good thing is I don't think she knows I have a secret fetish with her.

Lois: okay… alright, I'll see you tomorrow, bye-bye. (Hangs up the phone) (She walks into the living room where Derrick is)

Derrick: hello, there Lois.

Lois: oh, hi… uh, Derrick.

Derrick: how have you been today?

Lois: oh, umm… just fine… fine and dandy.

Derrick: that's good to hear, say was that Peter you were talking to on the phone?

Lois: yes it was… It surely was.

Derrick: oh, I see you know, just checking up on the old family I guess. (Laughs a bit) well, that's good to hear again well, I'll be down in the basement masturbating to you.

Lois: what?

Derrick: nothing. Nothing at all! (Runs down the basement)

Lois: (Looks kind of wierded out)

(Later that night)

(In the basement)

Derrick: (Has his ear up close to the vent leading to Peter and Lois's room) yeah… that's right… snore baby… snore!

Brian: is that how you get out on life?

Derrick: ahhhh! (Turns around and looks at Brian) oh, it's just you Brian.

Brian: that's something new, amusement from hearing an attractive woman snore. That sure is highly original.

Derrick: what's it to ya?

Brian: I've been watching you the past 3 days almost and I have noticed that you have some kind of fixation here with Lois.

Derrick: how would you know?

Brian: like I said I have seen you the past few days making all these remarks that Lois for some reason can't hear, but I've heard them and I must tell you that she's married Derrick and you can't do that with your sister in law.

Derrick: she's not related to me by blood! So it isn't bad unless she were my real sister.

Brian: well, I have to tell you a secret of mine… (Walks close up to Derrick)

Derrick: and what is that?

Brian: (Slaps Derrick) she's mine bitch! (He runs up the stairs)

Derrick: hmm… ahhhh! Now I get it, Brian has a fetish with her too! It all make sense now.

Quagmire: (Appears at his window) so, do I.

Derrick: what the hell!

Quagmire: ah, pretend I wasn't here! (Runs away)

Derrick: hmm…

(The next morning at breakfast)

Derrick: (Looks at Brian)

Brian: (Looks at Derrick)

Lois: I cooked you all some nice scrambled eggs. (Gives them to Derrick and Brian and Stewie)

Derrick: (Looks at Lois) thank you Lois, I truly love your cooking.

Lois: why thank you Derrick.

Brian: no, no, no, I'll tell you what I think, I think it was more delicious then any other breakfast I've had in a sure long while.

Derrick: but I must tell you Lois that I think it is much better then Brian's thought on it, yes sire.

Lois: umm… okay… (Sits at table and starts to eat)

Brian: Lois you look nice today.

Lois: why thank you Brian.

Derrick: I think you look swell Lois.

Brian: I think you look brilliant Lois.

Lois: umm…

Derrick: no, I would have to say you look pretty.

Brian: no, I think she looks prettier then pretty Derrick.

Derrick: well, Brian some people have different opinions on other people and I would have to say she looks the best she's looked in 20 years here, in your face dog!

Lois: (Gets up) what the hell is going on here?

Stewie: looks like a gasket has finally broken in this household. (Laughs) oh, I suck at telling jokes.

Derrick: nothing is going on here, Lois.

Brian: right.

Lois: oh, I know something is going on here, and I don't like it one bit!

Derrick: oh, come on Lois so me and Brian had a little friendly competition about how good you looked today, there is no harm in that.

Brian: yeah, no harm.

Lois: if you 2 have something to say then say it now or I'll tell Peter!

Derrick: well… it starts out like this. (Walks up to Lois pull out a rag and puts sleeping medicine in his hand and puts it over Lois's mouth and puts her to sleep) Chloroform, always solves everything. (Puts her on the couch)

Brian: (Walks over)

Derrick: don't worry when she wakes up she won't remember us having that little competition at the table

Brian: well, that's a relief because if she were to have told Peter he would have broken are necks.

(One time)

Peter: you touched my wife! (He is shown holding onto a stick that is actually someone's neck and he breaks it in two) that'll teach you, you bastard!

(Back to now)

Derrick: well, Brian at least now we both have something in common and that's our voice and the fact that we both love Lois tremendously. Let's just vow not to tell anyone for sometime okay.

Brian: it's a deal.

(They both shake hands)

(Outside window)

Quagmire: well, there's still room for Quagmire! Giga-giga-giga-giga-goo! Oh, right!

(End credits)


	4. No more death

** No more death.**

**Its seems today, that all you see, is violence in movies, and sex on TV, But where are those good old fashioned values. On which we used to rely. Lucky theirs a family guy. Lucky theirs a man who, positively can do, all the things that make us, Laugh and Cry. He's A Family Guy!**

(Peter and Lois are shown in the kitchen and Peter sits at the table and Lois is standing around preparing something on the counter)

Meg: (Comes running in crying from her day at school and sits at the table) my life sucks!

Lois: (Walks over to Meg) ah… there, there, honey what's wrong?

Peter: yeah… (Not really paying attention)

Meg: I asked Craig Hoffman out today and the worse thing could have happened!

(Before at school)

Meg: (In the hall walks up to Craig at his locker) umm… Craig, if it's alright with you, you think you could go out with me on Saturday?

Craig: that depends, considering the fact that I don't play by anyone else's rules but my own.

Meg: well… you won't have to.

Craig: just let me check my sources. (Walks away)

Meg: (Stands there waiting)

Craig: (Just comes walking back) I checked my sources.

Meg: and?

Craig: no. (Walks away)

Meg: but Craig!

Craig: sorry, sweet cheeks but you played by my rules and I can't let anyone play by my rules unless they are my own.

Meg: what?

Craig: exactly… oh, and I can see you ass sticking out of your pants. (Walks away)

Meg: huh? (Looks at her back and notices she forgot to put underwear on in the morning)

Kid in the hall: hey, everyone Meg forgot to put on her panties this morning! Let's point and laugh and make a cheap impression. (Starts pointing and laughing)

(A bunch of other kids come over and start pointing and laughing)

Meg: (Runs away crying)

(Back to now)

Lois: oh… I'm sorry Meg.

Meg: I can't believe just a simple question to the boy of my dreams results in me not having any underwear!

Peter: (Not paying attention) well at least you tried honey…

Lois: Peter! Do you even know what's going on?

Peter: no, I want meat on my sandwich.

(Later Peter sits on the couch watching TV)

(There is a knock on the door)

Peter: ah, crap… (Gets up and opens the door) yeah what do you- (Eyes grow wide)

Mr. Weed: Peter!

Peter: ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! (Slams the door and starts to bolt it shut with a hammer and nails)

Lois: (Comes walking in) Peter! What's going on?

Peter: I just saw the ghost of Mr. Weed! Quickly, Lois we must do an exorcism and send him back to the beyond, just draw a Jesus circle and we should be on our way.

Lois: Peter! Mr. Weed is not at that door. (She opens it as if it weren't bolted shut) see he's- oh my god!

Mr. Weed: Lois! Peter! You don't know how good it is to see you!

Lois: Peter…

Peter: yes, honey…?

Lois: call the father over here…

Peter: right away honey…

Mr. Weed: no, no, no, please there is no need for that; I am but flesh and blood.

Peter: but how? You croaked right here in our house.

Mr. Weed: or, so you thought…

(In his grave under the ground)

Story: you see, I was dead for some time, but then something happened.

Mr. Weed: (Is shown all dead and everything but then he awakens and is breathing as if he was holding his breathe and just got a breathe out) Story: you see just like people that can get resesiated after drowning I came back the same way. I just missed many… many breathes for some time. I was stuck down in the underground in my coffin scratching my way out) (He is shown trying to knock his way out) Story: but the good thing was that it was night time and body snatcher come out at that time and they dug up my grave and opened my casket. (Mr. Weed had his eyes closed. The men are shown opening up the casket) Story: and I did the only thing I could… (He is shown opening his eyes then punching both men and they fall over into another grave and our screaming and shouting, and Mr. Weed starts to bury them and is laughing hysterically) Story: but at that was beside the point when I did that. Anyways I am back in the world of the living once more.

Peter: (Is shown wide eyed)

Lois: (Is also wide eyed) well, as long as you still have your health… umm… I always say… (Laughs a bit but doesn't really mean it)

Mr. Weed: I just need to tell everyone that I am alive and well.

Peter: don't worry, Mr. Weed! We will get the word out before this day is done! (All heroic)

(In Stewie's room)

Meg: (Changing Stewie's diaper) Stewie could you stop moving around so much!

Stewie: could you stop committing sexual harassment towards me! Or at least just take a picture! You little pervert!

Derrick: (Is at the doorway of her room) you know you could do that faster you know…

Meg: Uncle Derrick I really don't need this right now!

Derrick: (Walks close to her) ah, poor, poor, Meg missed an opportunity to go out with Craig Hoffman. (Laughs) like you ever had a chance with him.

Meg: shut up! I am not hearing this right now Uncle Derrick!

Derrick: I'm sure that Craig is all like, "Oh, my god Megan Griffin asked me out on a date? I think I need an aspirin!"

Meg: could you just get out of my room! (Yelling)

Derrick: no, this is too much fun!

Meg: mom! Uncle Derrick is making fun of me!

Derrick: what ever she says it's not true! (Acting like a kid) (He runs out of the room) you may have won round one Meg but you certainly won't win round two! (Runs away)

Meg: (Continues to change Stewie) I can't believe him!

Stewie: you know he's right on all the accounts I'm pretty sure Craig is saying that. (Starts laughing) you're such a loser!

Meg: (Looks saddened)

(Downstairs later)

Mr. Weed: okay… okay… here is what we do. (Sitting at table with pen and a bunch of letters he will be writing) I am going to write letters to all the Happy Go Lucky former employees and we will meet at the site where the factory once stood.

Peter: umm… Mr. Weed, I'm happy that you're back and all, but do you really think that people are going to come to the site, even to know they think you're dead, I mean do you think that they are going to believe that you're really alive, I mean miracles like this only come maybe once or twice in a life time, like the time I got the check.

(One time)

Peter: (Looking at a check) oh… yeah! I just one three million dollars in cash! This is great, now I can support my family through the next 100 generations.

(You get a view of the check and it says, notice of Eviction you must pay three million dollars or you're house will be demolished)

(Back to now)

Mr. Weed: don't worry Peter they will come. They all know my handwriting. (Begins to write the letters out)

(Many hours later)

Peter: (Is over sleeping)

Mr. Weed: (Finishing up the last letter and he licks the seal and closes it) There we go all finished!

Peter: (Wakes up) ah, uh, oh, okay Mr. Weed will get those mailed right away. Just as soon as I get some sleep for another 15 hours… (About to go back to sleep)

Mr. Weed: no, no, Peter! I must mail them now! I can't wait any longer to reveal my living again. (Grabs Peter and goes outside with all the letters and puts them in the mailbox) now we must wait a little while until morning and then we will meet with our former employees by tomorrow afternoon.

Peter: if you say so, Mr. Weed. (Falls to sleep snoring)

Mr. Weed: tomorrow will be my day of redemption!

(Tomorrow)

Meg: (Is shown watching TV on the couch)

Derrick: (Pops up from behind her)

Meg: ah! (Jumps up)

Derrick: (Starts to laugh) ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! You… you… should have seen the look on your ugly face, it was priceless! (Starts laughing more)

Meg: god! Uncle Derrick! Can't you just stay out of my life?

Derrick: not till Wednesday. (Starts to laugh again) oh, I love making myself laugh.

Stewie: (Comes walking in) okay… okay… I got one! Why was the face scared to cross the road?

Derrick: why?

Stewie: because Megan was on the other side! (Begins laughing)

Derrick: (Laughs as well) that one was priceless!

Stewie: yeah, we totally caught her on that one!

Meg: (Runs away crying)

Derrick: oh, boo-hoo!

Stewie: yeah, boo-hoo!

(They both share a long laugh)

Stewie: I simply adore you Derrick!

(They continue to laugh)

Derrick: (Then stops) how come Brian and I are the only ones that listen to you?

(Later Mr. Weed is shown standing at the bathroom mirror with his suit on striating his tie)

Peter: umm… Mr. Weed…

Mr. Weed: yes, Peter?

Peter: so, if everyone comes to the wreckage of the Happy Go Lucky… does that mean were going to rebuild it… and… and start work there again?

Mr. Weed: I don't see why not? And guess what Peter… if all goes through as planned I will give you the position of head of manufacturing, in that position you get to boss the factory workers around.

Peter: oh, my god! I've always wanted to boss people around!

(Another time)

Peter: (Playing with his dolls as a child) you get those files sent in right away Mrs. Lady Person. (Showing the woman doll) but Mr. Boss sir- there's no butts in this office Missy! Either give me a blow job or send in those files! Oh… you're a cruel man Mr. Boss! Yeah, whatever… bitch.

(Back to now)

Peter: I would be honored to take that position Mr. Weed.

Mr. Weed: well, you earned it Peter.

Peter: and I won't let you down either.

Mr. Weed: thank you Peter! For all of your support these past few days, you're like a brother to me. (Hugs Peter)

Peter: you too Mr. Weed. (Pats him on the shoulder)

Mr. Weed: (Starts to squeeze Peter a bit)

Peter: umm… Mr. Weed…

Mr. Weed: I… I could just kiss you right now…

Peter: (Makes Mr. Weed let go) I think we've had enough of that for the time being, but let's get to the site.

Mr. Weed: great thinking head of manufacturing. (Walks down the stairs)

Peter: (Under his breathe) psycho…

(Later)

(The Bathroom)

Meg: (Is shown on the toilet from her head down to her chest)

(From outside the door)

Derrick: look, everyone I'm Meg! I'm using the bathroom!

Meg: (Sighs) could you just stay away!

Derrick: I may have issues but I have tissues to wipe my ass! (Laughs)

Stewie: I got one! How come the man didn't sit down?

Derrick: why for that?

Stewie: because he didn't want to sit on Meg's Poo!

Derrick: (Starts to laugh)

Stewie: (laughs to)

(Stewie tells such lame jokes)

Meg: can't you two just go and make fun of someone else.

Derrick: wait, a second that sounded more like a fart, then words! What are you constipated?

Stewie: (laughs)

Derrick: (laughs as well)

(They laugh together)

Meg: I hate you two!

(They laugh more)

Derrick: I should get a job in stand up; I'd totally knock the crowd dead. And Stewie you can be my back up.

Stewie: what are friends for?

(They start to laugh together)

Derrick: oh, yeah by the way Meg I used up all the toilet paper you're going to have to find something else.

Meg: arrggg! (Getting mad)

Derrick: I told you she was constipated…

(They walk away)

Meg: I'm going to kill them!

(The site where Happy Go Lucky once stood)

Mr. Weed: (Stands there in his suit with Peter waiting for everyone to arrive)

Peter: they'll probably be here any minute now Mr. Weed.

Mr. Weed: you are probably right.

(Time passes and Peter and Mr. Weed have tired looks on their faces)

(Some more time passes and Peter is asleep standing up)

Mr. Weed: (Still stands there waiting awake)

(Some kids come walking by)

The Old man: (Who was the child molester who shows up a lot come walking by chasing them, if you can that would be nice if you'd tell me this guys name) wait… children I just wanted to give you some pop sickles from the cellar, hmmm, they are real gooooooood….. (Walks by)

(Some more times passes and the sun is getting ready to go down over the hill)

Greased up Deaf Guy: (He comes running by) why are you chasing me?

Security: why are you running from us? You deaf son of a bitch!

Greased up Deaf Guy: you ain't never goin to catch me! (Running around)

(Some more times passes by)

Peter: (Wakes up) wow! Oh, what did I miss?

Mr. Weed: (Looking sad) oh… nothing important Peter…

Peter: what's wrong Mr. Weed?

Mr. Weed: (Starts crying) why have they forsaken me?

Peter: now… now… Mr. Weed, everything's going to be okay. (Hugging Mr. Weed like he were a kid)

Mr. Weed: I guess none of them give a care about hard labor anymore…

Peter: now, wait just a second Mr. Weed! (Pulls out a cup) This cup is broken! (Throws it somewhere) And wait just another second Mr. Weed, you can't be like that, you can't give up on all of them like they were nothing Mr. Weed! Listen you should go over to all their houses and tell them directly that you are alive!

Mr. Weed: that's just it Peter… I don't know where they all live! I just knew where you lived because you're house is the placed I died in.

Peter: well, then… (Puts his finger on his chin) I have an idea!

Mr. Weed: you do?

Peter: yes, and it will involve sending the letters over again.

Mr. Weed: I'm not following you?

Peter: don't worry; just leave that to me…

Mr. Weed: okay… Peter I trust you won't let me down.

Peter: I sure won't…

(At home in the basement)

(Derrick and Stewie are shown talking and laughing)

Derrick: yeah, she's a total block head!

Stewie: oh, I know she's like the alpha male.

Derrick: what?

Stewie: as in she's not a male! (He starts laughing)

Derrick: (He starts laughing too)

(As you can see they tell very lame jokes, or at least Stewie does)

Brian: (Appears in the basement) are you guys thinking of ways to make fun of Meg again?

Stewie: what's it too you dog!

Derrick: haven't I done this before?

Brian: you guys shouldn't be making her life worse, she has already had enough bad days at school, can't you just give her a break?

Derrick: no… we can't…

Brian: well, can't you at least try; I mean all I have heard the past days is lame jokes that don't have a punch line to them.

Stewie: what? What? What? That's… that's… not true! My jokes are very funny! You… you are just a dog without a sense of humor!

Brian: whatever you say Stewie…

Derrick: you tell him Stewie! We don't need any of his crap today.

Brian: I'm just saying you may do something that you may soon regret.

Derrick: like what?

Stewie: yeah, like what?

Brian: I don't know something. (Walks away)

Derrick: (Looking toward Stewie) he doesn't know what he's talking about.

Stewie: yeah… yeah… man your like, totally right my man.

Derrick: word.

(Upstairs Meg is shown watching TV)

Meg: (Looking with her head all around to see if Derrick or Stewie were going to sneak up on her) (She flips the channel)

(CNN)

Anchor: …leaving millions killed. Well, anyways onward to other news… I just got word that Meg Griffin a Quahog resident in the state of Rhode Island is a loser and a failure at getting boys and forgetting to put on her underwear over mornings… oh and this just in, she's a smelly slu- (Turns off the TV)

Meg: that's it!

(Derrick and Stewie come walking in)

Derrick: hi, there Megan… (Chuckling)

Stewie: yes… hi there sister of mine.

Meg: did you two do that?

Derrick: do what Meg? (Acting like he doesn't know)

Stewie: yes… (Sort of laughing) what the devil are you talking about?

(Then they both start cracking up together)

Meg: that's not funny!

(They are still laughing together)

Meg: stop it!

(They continue to laugh)

Meg: that's it! (Pulls out mace and sprays it in their eyes)

Derrick: ahhhhhhhhhhh! Oh, god! Oh, god! Ahhhhhhhhhhh! (Holding onto his eyes squirming around)

Stewie: ah, get this substance out of my eye sockets! Ahhhhhhhhhhh! Oh, god! Oh, god!

Meg: now I hope you two learn a valuable lesson!

Derrick: yeah, that after I am finished screaming here, I'm going to kick your ass!

Meg: oh… umm…. (Slowly walks backwards away upstairs and into her room)

(The site of Happy Go Lucky a few days later)

Mr. Weed: Peter I sure hope you're idea worked.

Peter: don't worry… it sure did.

Mr. Weed: you already said that.

Peter: I know… but don't worry…

Mr. Weed: Peter, you're scaring me.

(Then all of the sudden people start walking over in a big group, they are the former employees of Happy Go Lucky)

Guy: oh, my god! It's Mr. Weed!

Guy # 2: so the letter was telling the truth! Mr. Weed truly is alive!

Guy # 3: but how?

Mr. Weed: oh, it's a long story.

Guy: we totally forgot the part of the letter that was threatening to kill our families if we didn't come.

Mr. Weed: oh… umm… (Looks at Peter)

Peter: hehehehehehehehehehe!

Mr. Weed: well, no matter. It's great to see you all again!

Guy: # 1: you too Mr. Weed!

(They all get together and they do a group hug)

All: We missed you so much!

Mr. Weed: I did too…

Peter: okay, we have to stop squeezing so much or I'm going to- (Throws up) to do that…

All: oh, Peter!

Peter: what kind of cliché to a sitcom is that supposed to be?

All: oh, Peter!

Peter: would you shut the fu-

(End Credits)


	5. New Surroundings

**New Surroundings.**

**It seems today, that all you see, is violence in movies, and sex on TV, But where are those good old fashioned values. On which we used to rely. Lucky theirs a family guy. Lucky theirs a man who, positively can do, all the things that make us, Laugh and Cry. He's A Family Guy!**

**(How do I send these to Fox or Seth?)**

(The Drunken Clam)

(Derrick, Peter, Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire are shown sitting drinking beer)

Peter: I call a toast for my new job at the newly resurrected Happy Go Lucky toy company! (Raises his glass)

(Then they all have a toast and start drinking)

Joe: so, Peter Mr. Weed just walked up to your door one day and said he was alive?

Peter: yeah, that's basically it.

Derrick: I never actually met Mr. Weed.

Peter: well, he was dead for awhile and now he's back.

Cleveland: that's kind of weird considering the fact that people don't just come back to life all the time.

Joe: yeah, Peter are you sure it really is Mr. Weed?

Peter: yes, I am sure, he only talks, walks, and acts just like the old Mr. Weed.

Joe: interesting…

Quagmire: so how's it like living with Lois Derrick?

Derrick: well… you know… fine… (Looking kind of into the moment as if he were thinking about Lois)

Peter: yeah, how has it been when I've been gone from the house?

Derrick: fine… just peachy. And sexual…

Peter: what?

Derrick: nothing.

Joe: well, Peter we should just continue with the celebration of the reconstruction of Happy Go Lucky, and that's wonderful for you Peter.

Peter: jeeze thanks guys! (They all hug like a group pf girls and make an "awww" sound)

(Home everyone watching TV)

(TV)

Old man: dag nabit Phil! I thought I told you to stay out of my rose bush!

Phil: but pa! This is my rosebush.

Old man: Phil, this is my rosebush.

Phil: but bro…

Old man: I'm going to tell my father on you.

Phil: Why do I have such a dumb nephew?

Old man: you take that back, sister!

Phil: but I'm your son!

(Couch time)

(Derrick is sitting with the family now)

Derrick: you know I'm surprised I was able to fit in here.

Lois: well, this couch fits everyone.

(A huge fat man with a newspaper comes walking in)

Fat man: (He then situates himself and sits o everyone) ok… yeah. (Falls asleep)

(Basement)

Derrick: (Is shown putting in his own laundry)

Lois: (Comes walking down stairs with his) oh… Derrick, you do your own laundry.

Derrick: well… yeah it's the least I can do… plus you clean like a slob.

Lois: what?

Derrick: huh?

Lois: oh, ok.

(They then both put in laundry together)

Derrick: here, ummm…. Lois I'll handle this (He starts helping Lois put in the Laundry)

Lois: why thank you Derrick.

Derrick: no problem…. Mind: oh, god I love doing her bidding.

(They continue to put in laundry)

Derrick: so… (While putting in clothes) how are you?

Lois: oh, well I'm fine Derrick how about you?

Derrick: you know… fine, fine, fine…. You know… just, just, peachy!

Lois: are you okay Derrick you look like your sweating.

Derrick: I'm fine… it's just the occasional hot flash…

Lois: hot flash?

Derrick: yeah… you get them in men now.

Lois: oh… I see.

Derrick: (Without Lois looking looks at Lois's behind) ahhhh…..

Lois: (Turns around) Derrick?

Derrick: yes! Yes!

Lois: are you sure you're okay?

Derrick: never better! (Sweating)

Lois: maybe I should do the rest.

Derrick: no! I can do this Lois!

Lois: oh, okay.

(They continue)

(Happy Go Lucky Toy factory)

(Everyone is now working again in the building)

Peter: (Comes walking out of an office with his Head of Manufacturing suit on) Wow! Holy freaking crap! I got promoted! Now I'm in control of the slaves… I mean workers.

Mr. Weed: (Comes walking over) how's the head doing?

Peter: hey, hey, hey! Weed my main man! What's shaking? (They both do some weird handshake)

Mr. Weed: so… Mr. Griffin how is the office treating you?

Peter: it's doing great! I've never been a boss before!

Mr. Weed: yes, Peter you have the power to fire and higher those people on the manufacturing line, even yourself.

Peter: wow! You mean I can have myself fired!

Mr. Weed: well, yes but let's hope you don't slack off on the job.

(They both then do a thing where they realized the joke "AAAAAAAh!")

Mr. Weed: well, Peter you better get back to work "Running" the line.

Peter: and you better get back to work "Running" the business!

(They both start laughing)

Mr. Weed: (Walks away)

Peter: (Sighs) oh, I crack myself up!

(At home)

(Meg and Chris are shown watching TV)

Chris: hey, Meg I'm thinking of a number between 1 and 2.

Meg: Chris… I really don't feel like playing any of your dumb games.

Chris: but Meg!

Meg: Chris!

Chris: come one! Are you chicken! Is my numbers too good for you?

Meg: (Sighs) 2.

Chris: (Gets wide eyed) what? How could you possibly get that? You're a witch! (Gets up from his couch) a witch I tell you! (Gets close to the stairs) (He runs up it and then on the top of it) Witch! (Runs to his room)

Meg: (Just ignores and watches the TV)

Derrick: (Walks by the bathroom door)

Lois: Derrick? Is that you?

Derrick: Lois?

Lois: I'm in the bathroom.

Derrick: (Starts to sweat) oh, okay…

Lois: I need some toilet paper, could you go into the basement and get the big case of it?

Derrick: yeah! Sure! Be back in a jiffy! (Runs down the stairs and then into the basement) (Sweating a lot) where is it? Where is it? This will be my only chance… where is it? God damn it where is it? Where the hell are you! (Yelling) Where are you? Oh, there you are. (Grabs the case and then runs upstairs to the bathroom) I'm… I'm back!

Lois: good! I was beginning to worry. You can open the door and toss it in.

Derrick: ah! Sweet lord yes! Mind: I can finally see Lois doing something that for some reason makes men feel very good about themselves. In other words perversion. (He opens up the door a little bit and then throws in the paper)

Lois: thank you Derrick. This bathtub could use a good wiping.

Derrick: huh?

Lois: thanks Derrick you can go now.

Derrick: (Is in shock) no… no… how can this be?

Stewie: (From his room) oh, get over it man.

Derrick: (Crying) it's not fair! It's just not fair!

Old man: has anybody seen my foot?

(Happy Go Lucky)

Peter: (The bell for lunch rings) sweet! (Gets up and leaves his office and goes near the workers room for eating but just as he was about to enter an executive grabs him)

Executive: no, no Mr. Griffin you don't eat with them. You eat with the superiors.

Peter: you mean…

Executive: yes, Mr. Griffin you eat in the executive lunch room.

Peter: ah! Sweet! Me and the guys always wondered what was in that lunch room.

(One time)

Guy: I say that have nuclear missiles they are making in there and are planning to go to war against Turkey!

Guy # 2: no, no! War against Hungary!

Peter: nah, you guys are dumb, they are obviously plotting to replace us with robots in there and are then planning to kill us and use our brains as a fuel source.

Guy: oh, my god! He's absolutely right! We must be prepared!

Guy # 2: all hail Peter! All hail Peter!

(Back to now time)

Peter: (Sitting in the lunch room near other executives)

(Some executive are trying to stay away from Peter as he eats)

Peter: I guess I'm still not welcomed into their community…

Mr. Weed: Peter! (Walks over and sits next to him) I can see your re eating alone.

Peter: nobody else seems to want to eat with me.

Mr. Weed: well, Peter you are the new executive in town, once you start to rough up the employees a bit I'm sure they will give you respect

Peter: maybe you're right….

Mr. Weed: I'm always right Peter! Cause if I weren't then you'd be out of a job.

Peter: (Chuckles and then stops) you know… I didn't really get that one….

(Home)

Lois: (Is shown sweeping the floors of the house)

Derrick: (Is shown sitting in a chair watching TV but he squints his eyes over to look at Lois) Mind: no, no, no… I can't let those urges come between me and my favorite show "I Love Lucy"!

(Show)

Ricky: (Opens up bedroom door) Lucy! You got some 'spalnin to do!

Lucy: (In the bed with 2 men beside here) Wahhhhhh! (Does her cry)

Man # 1: didn't you say there was weed?

(Derrick)

Derrick: just let me focus on this episode and not my sister in law… not her.

Lois: (Is cleaning up and then she gets near to Derrick and cleans the floor near his feet) oh, hi Derrick you think you could lift your feet?

Derrick: oh… umm…. Ahh… gurrrr….ppppp…… yeah sure! (Lifts up his feet and puts them in the air on the couch and she starts to clean the floor)

Lois: thank you Derrick.

Derrick: don't mention it hottie. I mean boobs, I mean hooker, I mean Stripper! No, no, no! Umm…

Lois: what?

Derrick: huh?

Lois: oh, okay. (Walks away)

Derrick: I am so lucky that is a Griffin says "Huh" then the person will completely forget about what they did a second ago. It was my great Grandpa John Griffin.

(One time)

John: (Looks just like Derrick)

(I will use the same formula that Peter uses when he has a flashback of someone in his family they look just like him and the same with Derrick)

John: (Walks in to his wife at the table) I slept with a hooker, ate 6 pounds of pork, shot a man to death, and drove home drunk.

Wife: how could you?

John: huh?

Wife: oh, okay.

(Happy Go Lucky)

Peter: (Sitting in his office) (He's looking around at the office and playing with his pencil) hmm… (Starts to sharpen the pencil even though it's already sharp enough) hehehehehehehehe… stupid sharpener doesn't even know that the pencil already sharpen… stupid pencil sharpener… hehehehehehehehehehehehehehe!

Person: (Comes walking in) Mr. Griffin…

Peter: ah… yeah…

Person: can I come in?

Peter: ah… yeah…

Person: do you know my name Mr. Griffin.

Peter: ah… yeah…

Person: what is it then?

Peter: how the hell am I supposed to know I just met you?

Person: (Sighs) my name is Jack T. Johnson, all the head of manufacturing people are required to have an assistant and I was hired to be said assistant.

Peter: so… I can tell you… to do anything for me and I won't have to do it myself?

Jack: yes… (Sounding very upset)

Peter: ah! Sweet! You think you can jump through that glass window.

Jack: (Goes head 1st thorough the glass window and runs back up to Peter looking all fine) what else do you desire?

Peter: wow! My very own slave… I never thought the day would come!

(One time)

Peter: (Is shown running in a forest with other slaves on the run from the masters, Peter trips and falls over a stream of water)

Slave Master: (On horse appears in front of Peter)

Peter: I will not fall to you!

Slave Master: give it up boooy! You lost!

Peter: I shall show no pity!

(Later)

Peter: (Is shown tied up on ropes and getting lashes)

Wipper: squeal boy! Squeal!

Peter: Pet… Pet… Peter J. Griffin.

Wipper: what?

Peter: Pet-Peter J... (Shouts aloud) Peter J. Griffin! Peter J. Griffin! Peter J. Griffin!

(Find out what I was spoofing)

(Home)

Derrick: (Is shown walking around the living room going back and forth) what am I to do with this god forsaken problem I have?

Lois: what problem?

Derrick: umm… nothing…

Lois: I got an A in Psychiatry maybe I can help you.

Derrick: well… this doesn't involve help from a physiatrist. Mind: well actually I am in desperate need for one… Out of Mind: I'm sure I can figure a way out of this.

Lois: are you sure?

Derrick: of course I'm sure god damn it!

Lois: well, jeeze I was just trying to help you, you bastard!

Derrick: huh?

Lois: oh, hi Derrick, I'm just going to fold the clothes. (Walks away)

Derrick: works everytime.

(Happy Go Lucky)

(Lunch room)

(Peter sits with Jack)

(Executives start sitting next to him)

Executive: wow Peter! You have an assistant!

Executive # 2: that is so cool!

Peter: and he does everything I tell him. Act like a monkey Jack.

Jack: okay. (Jumps on the table and puts his hands on his head and starts making monkey sounds jumping up and down and he trashes peoples food and screams like a monkey in their face he continues to do this)

Peter: isn't he great!

Jack: (Puts someone's bread on his head)

Executive # 3: you Peter, are going places. (Pointing toward Peter)

Peter: yes! I'm finally popular amongst the executives! Sweet!

Jack: (Is shown running around in the back running like a monkey)

Mr. Weed: (Comes in) good job Peter, everyone will know you more now, they love you!

Peter: that's freaking sweet!

Mr. Weed: now let's all go get drunk, my treat!

Peter: hell yeah!

(At a club)

(The song "Get down tonight is playing")

(Peter is shown with a bear tube down his mouth with beer coming out drinking it)

Executives: drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink!

Peter: ah, my freaking god! This is… is… so perfect! (Drinks even more) all on me boys!

Narrator: and Peter lived happily ever after… (Takes a drink of beer) woooooooooooooow! Now that's the stuff!

(Home)

Lois: (Standing in her room)

Derrick: (Comes barging in)

Lois: ahhhhhhhhhhh! Jesus Derrick you scared the crap out of me!

Derrick: we need to talk!

Lois: (Turns and looks at Derrick) well, what is it?

Derrick: I haven't been completely honest with you since I got here…

Lois: what do you have to tell me?

Derrick: now this may not be easy… but… I… uh….

Lois: what is it?

Derrick: I uh….

Lois: I'm all ears.

Derrick: I need you to fix the hair dryer it didn't work this morning….

Lois: oh, that damn hair dryer, alright I'll get it fixed by tomorrow.

Derrick: okay… Mind: stupid! Stupid! Stupid!

Lois: well, see you at dinner Derrick.

Derrick: okay…

Lois: (Walks out of the room)

Derrick: as much as I hate myself for loving Lois… I still feel pretty good inside that I had the heart to almost tell her my feelings… I am such a good person! I should be given a gold medal!

Dustin Hoffman: (Standing there all of the sudden)

Derrick: can I help you?

Dustin: (Hits Derrick on the head with a crowbar) (He then grabs him and drags him away)

(End Credits)

Note: hey, people tell me what you think of Derrick. I need people to tell me. The info I can tell you about him is that he is smarter and skinner then Peter and he understands Stewie. What do you like or dislike, aside the fact he's mean to Meg and loves Lois, or maybe you like that about it. Share what you think.


	6. Murder is a bitch! Part 1

**Murder is a bitch! Part 1**

**It seems today, that all you see is violence in movies, and sex on TV, but where are those good old fashioned values. On which we used to rely. Lucky theirs a family guy. Lucky theirs a man who, positively can do, all the things that make us, Laugh and Cry. He's A Family Guy!**

(Happy Go Lucky)

Peter: (Is standing in front of the manufacturing line making sure everyone is working well) (Jack his assistant stands next to him) okay… okay… everything appears to be fine…

Jack: (looking at a chart)

Peter: what do you think Jack?

Jack: oh, I don't have thoughts sir, I only think what you think and say what you say when you want me to say it.

Peter: oh… (Laughs) your hilarious Jack, I should write that down. (Writes it down on a notepad) wait till the guys hear this.

Jack: umm… yeah.

Peter: (Looks at the clock) oh, god! Its board room meeting time, I only have 5 minutes!

Jack: actually sir you're 5 minutes late.

Peter: Jack there is no time to be playing jokes I have to get there now! (Walks away)

Jack: (Follows)

(Board room)

Mr. Weed: (Standing in front of the board members, Peter isn't there yet) gentlemen the company ever since I have returned has been doing good, but we have an arch competitor in our reaches.

Executive: and what might that be?

Mr. Weed: Plutonium toys.

(Dum-Dum-DOMMMMMMM)

Mr. Weed: ah, yes.

Peter: (Comes running in) whoa, you guys are pretty earlier. (Walks to his seat)

Jack: (Follows Peter by)

Peter: (Sits at his seat) so… how's everyone doing?

(Everyone is looking at Peter)

Peter: umm… so are we… are we going to have a meeting or what?

Mr. Weed: (Diminishes his anger and goes on with the lecture) anyway as I was saying Plutonium toys is a major competitor and is must be stopped in some way shape or form… now we need to think of a toy that will wipe them right off the map. Does anyone have any ideas?

Peter: (Raises his hand)

Mr. Weed: (Sighs) yes, Peter?

Peter: umm… a pickle?

Mr. Weed: anyone else? (Looking at the other board members)

Voice: I do!

Mr. Weed: oh, no could it be?

(The doors open and a big man who looks a lot like Peter walks in, he has a brown coat on and a stubby beard and basically looks just like Peter except he's wearing something completely different then Peter underneath)

Mr. Weed: Drebberd…

Man: Weed…

Executive: I take it you two know each other.

Mr. Weed: he is the head of Plutonium toys…

Man: yes! Peter Drebberd is my name! (There are lighting bolts)

Peter: (Griffin) what are you doing here?

Peter: (Drebberd) I've come to tell you all it is no use! (He pulls out a chart that has a line graph that goes up all the way) Plutonium toys beat Happy Go Lucky last month but 80 points! Now I must tell you that we are in power now, Happy Go Lucky is all but a memory now.

Mr. Weed: that is not true… you… you hunk of a son of a bitch!

Peter: (Drebberd) why don't you say that to my face!

Mr. Weed: I just did.

Peter: (Drebberd) oh… well still there is no use of this facility to continue I recommend a withdraw from the toy company line up.

(The Executives in the room gasps)

Executives: my word!

Peter: (Griffin) (Gets up) now wait just a damn minute there! You can't just walk in here and expect us to just give up without a fight.

Peter: (Drebberd) (Walks over to Peter and they start glancing at each other at their same heights and same weight and same a lot of other things but little differences and in voice) well, Mr. Griffin of whom I have heard so much about… maybe you should be the one that brings down plutonium toys… don't you think?

Peter: (Griffin) ha! Maybe I will!

Peter: (Drebberd) you can try Mr. Griffin but I doubt you'll get far.

Peter: (Griffin) well, Mr. Drebberd, I doubt you'll be able to bring down Happy Go Lucky either.

(They both continue to exchange glances)

Peter: (Drebberd) I'll be seeing you again Mr. Griffin.

Peter: (Griffin) you too Mr. Drebberd of whom I dislike.

(Drebberd takes a last look at everyone and then smiles and leaves the board room)

Mr. Weed: that calls for extra work! Everyone back to work!

(Everyone in the room starts shouting "Work" over and over again. And they run back to their places)

Peter: I'll beat that Drebberd if it is the last thing I do.

(Home)

Derrick: (Is watching TV with the remote near his crotch and his hands on the couch sides) ha-ha, I love this show.

Meg: (Comes walking in) Uncle Derrick can I watch TV?

Derrick: oh… of course not Meg.

Meg: but Uncle Derrick!

Derrick: Uncle Derrick! Uncle Derrick! Is that all you say?

Meg: I just want to watch the new episode of Laguna Beach.

(Laguna Beach)

(A boy and a girl are sitting at a table in a restaurant)

Boy: so, how's your relationship with Talan going?

Girl: fine, perfect…

Boy: do we have any thing else to talk about?

Girl: umm… let me think… I know what we can talk about now, instead of our relationships.

Boy: what's that?

Girl: let's talk about our relationships.

Boy: that's perfect, I never would have thought of that.

(Food is put on their table)

Boy: you know this is the 5th time today that I went to a restaurant.

Girl: this is my 17th time.

Boy: whoa that sure doesn't be Lauren's though.

Girl: yeah I know.

(They both then start digging their faces in the food and eating like crazed dogs)

(Back to the Griffin house)

Derrick: I'm not letting you watch that dumb show Meg.

Meg: but everyone is watching it!

Derrick: you think I care what this generation is doing? This generation can go and sleep with itself for all I care.

Meg: you can say what you really meant to say.

Derrick: Meg, this can't be rated like that we have to follow the censors, or we will be out of a job.

Meg: what the hell are you talking about?

Derrick: will get fired if we swear excessively like that.

Meg: fired from what?

Derrick: it Meg… it…

Meg: what are you talking about?

Derrick: you know what… just… just… just zip it okay; I've had enough to hear with you! You're grounded.

Meg: you can't ground me you not my dad.

Derrick: well when your father isn't home and your mother is I am the father!

Meg: like I'd listen to you.

Derrick: oh, you'll listen. You'll listen always!

Peter: (Enters the house) hi, family!

Derrick: damn!

Peter: (Walks in and Lois comes in and hugs and kisses him)

Lois: oh, I hear Peter! How was your day?

Peter: it was swell Lois. (Puts his work hat and suit up on a hook) were going to beat plutonium toys in sales and knock them right out of the map.

Lois: oh, that's lovely honey! (Kisses him again)

Stewie: (Walks in) I say, but I like Plutonium toys… I mean it's not because I think they have plutonium it's just I… I like their toys, you know… I um… I wasn't trying to pun anybody… you know… um… I'm just… just going to walk away. (Walks away)

(Some where far off at nighttime)

(A station wagon just like Peter's in everyway except the license plate is different is shown driving down a little road)

Peter: (Drebberd) (he is driving it) (He is looking out the windows as he drives and he comes across a Motel, he smiles and turns in it)

(Later he is shown in room in his bed making a phone call)

Peter: (This will be Drebberd till I say Griffin again) ah, hello there…

Hooker: (On phone) hi, there stud…

Peter: umm… yeah… you think you can stop by my Motel and we can share interests with one another? Hmmm… hmmm…

Hooker: sure thing… from what I'm hearing from your voice I can see you are willing and ready. (Acting all Hooker like)

Peter: (Sweating) ummm… yeah…

(Later)

Peter: (Is looking at his watch and then shaking his head and then there is a knock at the door) (He answers it) you're 20 minutes late!

Hooker: a girl has many appointments Mister.

Peter: you can call me Drebberd. (He grabs on to the Hooker and they both start to kiss)

(Later)

(They are both shown in bed from side to side)

Hooker: (With a cigarette) now that was great, the best I've had since Louie Anderson.

(One time)

Louie: now wait just a second… I thought you were German? I don't like that! (In his weird voice)

Hooker: Mr. Anderson, I told you when I got here I was an American born woman.

Louie: but that's not fair…

Hooker: life isn't fair Louie!

Louie: well you know what you're a- (Holds onto his heat and arm) oh, no…

Hooker: what?

Louie: I'm getting a heart attack… muawwaaaaaa.

Hooker: should I call an amubulence?

Louie: no, I'm fine, just give it time and it will pass.

Hooker: but it's a heart attack.

Louie: time… it just needs time… (Acting like a low pitched voice that sounds like a Narrator)

Hooker: okay.

Dick Cheney: (Comes in) you're getting one too?

(Back to the Motel room)

Hooker: but that was still the best.

Peter: good.

Hooker: now that will be 10,000 dollars.

Peter: 10,000 dollars? Hell no!

Hooker: (Gets out of bed and is now fully clothed) either that or I sue you for evading payment!

Peter: (Gets up in his underwear and puts on his coat and other clothes) you must be joking?

Hooker: I don't joke I work.

Peter: but no hooker has every given me a price of 10,000 dollars before, none!

Hooker: well, I'm not that kind of hooker! Now pay up or you're sued!

Peter: (Thinks in his mind) hmm… (Pulls out a gun with a silencer on it)

Hooker: oh, that's not real! (Acting like it isn't real)

Peter: (Pulls the trigger and she holds onto her stomach because she was hit)

Hooker: oh… that was a fa…ke bullet. (She starts bleeding)

Peter: (Shoots her again)

Hooker: as if that weren't just one of you toys. (Falls down dead all of the sudden)

Peter: oh, boy… Mind: how am I to dispose of the body?

(Later Peter is shown with the hooker in raps on his shoulder he goes outside and puts her in his car)

Man: (From afar) hmm… that's suspiciously suspicious.

(Peter in his car)

Peter: (Drives off with the body in the back, he then goes to a lake and gets out and then takes out the body and throws it in the lake) ok, problem solved. (Dusting off his hands, he walks over to the car but then notices in the back seat that there are blood steins) hmm… oh, crap. (He runs into his car and drives off as quickly as possible and as he moves on he comes by Peter Griffin's house and sees his station wagon Peter then looks surprised) (He parks his car next to Griffin's and he gets out and he goes to Peter's license plate and he tears it off with his bear hands and then attaches his own and then he grabs his own keys and goes into Griffin's car and sees if it would work in the ignition and it did, it started up and Peter gave a shout of glee, he then parked his real car in Griffin's a spot and then got into Griffin's car and drives off squeaky clean) now that was simple enough…

(Later like really later)

(The Lake)

(2 fishermen are shown fishing)

1st one: oh, will never catch anything…

2nd: Mike you can't say that, we were born to fish!

1st: that's what my dad said before the unfortunate fishing accident.

2nd: oh, Mike.

1st: well, it's just- hey! I got something! (He starts reeling in)

2nd: this will be worth a lot it seems like its hard pulling!

1st: it is!

(The fisherman keeps reeling in and then the rags come out of the water with the body inside of it)

2nd: what in the world is that?

1st: hmm…

(The raps come off and it shows the Hooker's body)

2nd: holy-

(Do to technique cal difficulties Fox can not show this part of Family Guy do to excessive swearing, we give to you our deepest and most sincere apologies to those of you who are viewing this now. But hey it's over and not we can cut straight to the police scene of a crime)

(Back to the story)

(Police are shown at the scene of the crime or the finding of the body and Joe is one of them)

Irish officer: it was a hooker alright, and she must have given the man an offer he refused to pay so, ended up killing her to get out of it.

Joe: well, he would have faced refusal to pay charges, that's New England law even for a hooker.

Cop: I had a hooker last week.

Joe: did you pay her?

Cop: yeah.

Joe: good then no harm done.

Cop # 2: (Walks over) okay, so what we got right now, is a witness said he saw a big 350-400 pound man walking out of a Motel room with the body in raps.

Joe: hmm… do you guys no any of a lard ass?

(All the cops shake their heads no)

Joe: hmm… who do I know who's fat and somewhat short? (Napoleon pops into his head) yes… I have reason to believe it was Napoleon of France!

Cop: (Hits Joe over the head)

Joe: oh no… I think I know who may have done this… but I can't believe that…

Irish cop: well, Officer Swanson if you know who it is you best better be coming forward.

Joe: could you stop acting like that John! You're an American! Deal with it!

Irish Cop: (Speaking American) I'm sorry…

Joe: well gentlemen I believe that it's Peter Griffin.

(Dom-Dum-Dommmmmmm)

(Home)

(Morning time)

(Everyone is at the table for breakfast)

Meg: Uncle Derrick, could you pass the syrup?

Derrick: no.

Brain: so peter how's your new job going?

Peter: oh, it's been marvelous! I have an assistant now and he does everything I say, and I mean absolutely everything.

(One time)

Jack: (Doing a Napoleon Dynamite dance)

(Back to now)

Peter: it's great!

Brian: that's nice Peter.

Lois: well as long as there's money on the table I won't argue about your job Peter.

Peter: awww… that was the sweetest thing I've ever heard you say Lois.

Lois: yeah.

(They continue to eat)

(Knock at the door)

Quagmire: hey, peter can I borrow some of your Lubricant?

Peter: why are you always asking?

Quagmire: I need it there's a chick coming over later.

Peter: fine. (Grabs the lube and goes to the door) (he turns the knob and opens it and Joe the man who was acting like an Irish man and another cop stand there) what the hell?

Joe: that was John the man of a thousand voices.

Peter: but… but… Quagmire…

Joe: why are you acting like that?

Peter: oh, nothing.

Joe: well peter I hate to say this…. (Starts crying) we…were have to place you under arrest for the murder of Hooker J. Hook, the hooker killed last night in a Motel.

Peter: What?

(Lois and everyone comes to the door)

Lois: what? Peter was with me all last night!

Joe: we looked in your car Peter… (Crying) we saw blooooood!

Peter: (Gasps)

Joe: (Crying) you have… you have…

Cop: I'll do it Officer Swanson, you need time! You have the right to remain damn silent, anything you say will be damn used against you in a damn court of law, if you can't afford a damn Lawyer one will be provided for you god damn it.

(The cops grab onto Peter and start dragging him to the car)

Peter: but… but you got the wrong guy!

(Everyone is outside with Peter)

Lois: you didn't do this, did you Peter?

Peter: of course not! (Being put in the car) I'm innocent!

Joe: just get in there Peter! (Crying) Why? Why? Why? God! Why?

(Heaven)

God: I don't know.

(Back to earth)

(Peter is in the car)

Derrick: I'll take good care of Lois Peter, until you get back, in her life and in the bed.

Lois: what?

Derrick: nothing.

Meg: daddy… (Starts crying)

Brian: oh, my god…

Chris: dad! No! (Raising his hands in the air)

Peter: wahhhhhhhh!

(The car drives off)

(The car is shown from behind)

**(To be continued)**


	7. Murder is a bitch! Part 2

**Murder is a bitch! Part 2.**

**Previously on Family guy…**

Mr. Weed: (Standing in front of the board members, Peter isn't there yet) gentlemen the company ever since I have returned has been doing good, but we have an arch competitor in our reaches.

Executive: and what might that be?

Mr. Weed: Plutonium toys.

(Dum-Dum-DOMMMMMMM)

(The doors open and a big man who looks a lot like Peter walks in, he has a brown coat on and a stubby beard and basically looks just like Peter except he's wearing something completely different then Peter underneath)

Mr. Weed: Drebberd…

Man: Weed…

Executive: I take it you two know each other.

Mr. Weed: he is the head of Plutonium toys…

Man: yes! Peter Drebberd is my name! (There are lighting bolts)

Peter: (Griffin) (Gets up) now wait just a damn minute there! You can't just walk in here and expect us to just give up without a fight.

Peter: (Drebberd) (Walks over to Peter and they start glancing at each other at their same heights and same weight and same a lot of other things but little differences and in voice) well, Mr. Griffin of whom I have heard so much about… maybe you should be the one that brings down plutonium toys… don't you think?

Peter: (Griffin) ha! Maybe I will!

Peter: (Drebberd) you can try Mr. Griffin but I doubt you'll get far.

Peter: (Griffin) well, Mr. Drebberd, I doubt you'll be able to bring down Happy Go Lucky either.

(They both continue to exchange glances)

Peter: (Drebberd) I'll be seeing you again Mr. Griffin.

**And murder ensued…**

(Peter is in the police car)

Derrick: I'll take good care of Lois Peter, until you get back, in her life and in the bed.

Lois: what?

Derrick: nothing.

Meg: daddy… (Starts crying)

Brian: oh, my god…

Chris: dad! No! (Raising his hands in the air)

Peter: wahhhhhhhh!

(The car drives off)

(The car is shown from behind)

**Will Peter be convicted of Murder that he did not commit? These questions and more on this exciting but yet sheik episode of Family Guy!**

(Now to the show)

(In an interrogation room)

(Joe sits on one side and Peter sits on the other)

Peter: (Is shown just eyeballing around the room with a cup full of some liquid substance on the table) so… umm… Joe… you think you can just… you know… let me out of this room? Because umm... you know… I'd really appreciate it… I mean if that's ok with you and all…

Joe: (Starts crying and lies his head on the table)

Peter: I guess I'll take that as a no…

Joe: damn it Peter! (Raises his head up) tell me your alibi! And please make sure it works! I can't believe that you would do something like this; I know deep in my heart that you didn't do this!

Peter: that might be… uhhh… going a bit far there Joe…

Joe: that's Officer Swanson to you! (He shouts to Peter)

Peter: come on Joe! You know me! I would never kill someone! I mean I came pretty close when I went hunting that one time with Dick Cheney…

(One Time)

Peter: hey Dick there goes the Quail!

Dick: oh, goody! (Starts shooting like crazy toward the Quail)

Peter: (Starts shooting like crazy as well)

(They then go over to see if they got any)

(When they go to the other side there are people all in pain lying on the ground)

Peter: yeah… I don't think we got them…

Dick: no Peter… I don't think we did.

(Back to now)

Peter: I would never do anything to harm anyone.

Joe: I know Peter… but when it comes down to Officer work, I'm as serious as they come and if I have to I'll beat a confession out of you. (Starts sniffing) you fit… (Drops some tears) the description perfectly…

Peter: but I was playing poker with Cleveland and Quagmire last night!

Joe: that alibi doesn't check out! Oh, I hate doing this Peter… (Bulls out a bat) (Points it towards Peter) I'm sorry Peter, but until I get straight answers. (Starts crying)

Peter: oh my god!

(In the hall of the Department an officer stands guard and then noises are heard in the room)

Peter: (From Room) (Screaming) oh, my god! Oh, my god! (Getting hit) ah! Son of a bitch! (Screams) help me!

Joe: (From room) this hurts me more then it does you! (Hitting Peter)

Peter: this hurts like hell though!

Peter: I'm already in Hell! (Crying)

(You can hear hitting in the background)

Officer: (Talking to another Officer) they'll be fine.

(In the jail cell Peter sits at his visiting window)

Lois: oh Peter… we miss you so much not being around the house…

Peter: don't worry about me family… you're dad will make it okay.

Derrick: (Comes close to the window) umm… Peter could I borrow your station wagon while you're gone? (Then he suddenly says) don't hurt me! (While putting his arms back fearing an attack)

Peter: umm… sure Derrick.

Derrick: (Sighs with relief) oh thank god…

Lois: Derrick has been very paranoid around the house and he really believes you killed someone.

Derrick: yeah… I'm going to back up to the wall for awhile… (Backs up to the wall looking frightened)

Peter: I must speak to my children… the children of whom I love and am not afraid of…

Meg: (Goes to the phone) oh daddy, I miss you-

Peter: okay enough talk with you Meg now its Chris's turn.

Chris: (Throws Meg out of the seat and sits down) Dad!

Peter: Chris!

Chris: dad!

Peter: Chris!

Chris: dad!

Peter: Chris!

Random inmate: would you please shut the hell up! Some of us have hookers in this place!

Chris: dad! Things have gone crazy without you!

(Flash back)

(Chris, Stewie, Brian and Derrick sit on the couch)

Derrick: the Pats won 36 to two.

Brian: I'm not saying I disagree with you Derrick, I'm just saying I think you looked at the scores wrong.

Derrick: Brian, the Detroit Lions would never beat the Pats.

Brian: and whose roster are you looking at?

Derrick: the real one, not some fake one like you look at.

Chris: I disagree with both of you, I think there was a tie 36 to 36.

Derrick: listen, we just have to wait until local 5 news, they will give us the scores from there.

Brian: well, I'm saying to you that it's probably a loss for the Pats.

Derrick: Brain! Brain! Brian! There is no loss the Pats one I saw the game!

Brian: hey, I'm just saying man.

Derrick: well I'm just saying too.

Brian: yeah, like you'd know anyway.

Derrick: I know more then you.

Brian: I bet you can't tell me who won the 1986 Super Bowl!

Derrick: oh, you don't even know that!

Brian: you're right, I was seeing if you even knew yourself, so you don't know!

Derrick: I know a lot more then your dog brain can process.

Brian: I take that as a direct attack, you son of a bitch-

Stewie :( Blindly yells out) it's just a damn football game!

(Back to the Episode)

Brian: Peter will make sure we get to your defense in the trial.

Peter: ohhh… their really going to have one of those?

Brian: umm… why would they not?

Peter: I don't know… I thought they were just going to pass sentence down on me…

Brian: Peter… that's illegal…

Peter: oh… I guess since I've seen so many court cases on television, I just can't tell the difference. (Laughs and does a pun sound) whe-ow!

(Everyone just looks at him)

Peter: yeah… I think my time is up now…

Brian: sure is…

(Plutonium Toys)

(Lighting bolts are shown bolting across the evil sky of the factory)

Peter: (Drebberd) (Stands looking out the window) (In his office)

Slave: (Comes walking in) umm… master Drebberd… umm… that Griffin fellow was arrested and charged with murder.

Peter: (Drebberd) excellent! I can't wait to see him rot! Happy Go Lucky toys will be run out of business for sure!

Slave: well, there's still the matter of Weed and all the other executives sir… umm… Peter was just one…

Peter: (Drebberd) yes but with that link missing, the chain is broken. Don't worry slave you'll see in time. (Pulls out a whip and starts whipping him) now get back to work nave!

Slave: yes, Master, sorry master! (Runs out of the room)

Peter: (Drebberd) pretty soon Plutonium will rule! (Laughs evilly)

(Holding Cell)

Peter: (I shown trying to sleep in bed) arrggg… hmm… ohhh…. How can anyone live like this?

(From another cell)

Man: hey Johnny boy!

Man # 2: yes Cletus?

Man: Ricky got stabbed at lunch today, he lost a lot of blood, they say he could die.

Man # 2: now that guy can surely take a punch!

Peter: umm… excuse me… but could you all please lower your voices? Some people are trying to get some shut eye.

Man: oh sorry man.

Man # 2: didn't mean to bother you.

Man: hey Johnny aren't we in prison?

Man # 2: well pretty close these are just holding cells.

Man: but no matter, don't prison inmates normally tell the other person to go and screw themselves? Or thy kick their ass later?

Man # 2: yep, I think so.

Man: I thought so, hey man were going to kick your ass at the next available opportunity.

Man # 2: good night!

Peter: (Puts his covers up to his chin) don't let the bad man get me…

(The next morning the trail begins)

(Outside the Courthouse)

Tom Tucker: (Is standing in front of it reporting) Tom Tucker here and I stand in front of the Quahog Courthouse where Peter Griffin a half bird and half lion is being charged with _murder. _(He says in an eerie voice) they say that he matches the description perfectly, so it won't take them long to convict him. More as the story develops.

Cameraman: Tom… Tom… you still have 50 seconds!

Tom: oh… hmm… well someone call in to Diane at the studio and shout to her face: "You have big breasts and I would like to touch them." But more on that story a little later. (Winks toward the camera)

(Courtroom)

(The family sits in the audience chairs)

Brian: I can't believe this is going to determine Peter's fate…

Meg: oh mommy! I can't go on without daddy!

Lois: what was that Meg?

Meg: I said I can't go on without daddy.

Lois: I can't hear you.

Chris: mom! I don't want dad to go to jail!

Lois: aw, Chris, this defense attorney will work his best to get him off.

Meg: (Has a look of awe on her face)

Derrick: (Sees Peter sitting in the front chair next to his lawyer) (He hides his face) don't notice me… don't notice me…

Peter: (Turns around and sees Derrick) Derrick!

Derrick: (Shrieks) don't look at me!

Peter: I was just going to ask you for a pen, I need to take notes.

Derrick: (Throws it at Peter) there take it! You can have it forever! Just please don't kill me!

Peter: but Der-

Derrick: what more do you want?

Peter: (Sighs) never mind…

(In front)

Bailiff: all rise for the honorable judge umm… well Judge…

Judge: (Voice by Phil Lamar) (Comes out of a doorway an onto the stand) I don't unusually do murder cases considering the fact that there hasn't been one here in Quahog is almost 40 years, and I was no judge 40 years ago. I was actually a bus boy at an old 60's bar; kind of like the one in "Back to the Future" if any of you have seen that movie.

(Everyone just looks at the judge with wide eyes and O-Kay… looks)

Judge: oh, you people wouldn't understand anyway. Anyways, the trial Rode Island Vs. Peter Griffin, you may all take a seat, the court is now in session, now let's make this quick I have a very important meeting to get to in a dark alley after this. The Defense please present your case.

Peter's lawyer: (Stands up) (He is sweating profusely) umm… umm… I…. I…. would like to… umm… (Wipes his forehead) Th…Th…that… my client pleads not guilty… umm… because of reasons of insanity!

Peter: what? (Gasps)

Peter's lawyer: no, no! I didn't mean that! I mean not guilty as in go free if proven innocent.

Peter: (Sighs with relief)

Peter's Lawyer: (Goes in the front of the room) (Clears his throat) (Clears his throat again) (Clears his throat for a 3rd time) anyways… umm… my client could not have committed this crime… because he was playing a poker game with Glen Quagmire, Cleveland Brown, and of course himself… and he was there umm up until the time of the murder at 3 AM. As of this second I call Mr. Griffin himself to the stand.

Peter: already?

Peter's Lawyer: yes, come up here.

Peter: (Gets up and sits on the defendants chair)

(Then a random person gets up in the court)

Felix De Karno: you suck!

Judge: Bailiff…

Bailiff: (Pulls out a shotgun and shoots him)

Felix: (Falls over)

Judge: please continue sir.

Peter's lawyer: (Clears his throat once again) (Starts taking a drink of some water) (Clears his throat again)

Judge: are you even going to defend your client?

Peter's Lawyer: I'm working on it, I'm working on it! Okay… so… umm… Mr. Griffin can Mr. Quagmire and Mr. Brown confirm you being over at their places of living?

Peter: why yes they can! Cleveland, Quagmire, stand up!

(They both stand up)

Peter: see.

Peter's lawyer: great, excellent. (They continue to go on a rant)

Judge: will the Prosecution please take the stand.

(A southern lawyer with over alls on comes up the front, he has his hands on his straps and he squints at Peter)

Lawyer: now Mr. Griffin, you say you were at this supposed Glen Quagmire's house between the hours of 1 AM and 3 AM, can you confirm?

Peter: but I just did already.

Lawyer: well do it again! A defendant that fails to cooperate in a court of law can be held in contempt and therefore proven guilty of murder. Now were, or were you not there at 1 Am to 3 Am!

Peter: umm...

Lawyer: answer the damn question!

Peter's Lawyer: (Sitting at the defendant's desk) typical Prosecutor…

Lawyer: (Turns around to Peter's lawyer) now did I hear something from you?

Peter's Lawyer: no sir!

Lawyer: I thought so, you better shut the hell up or I'll have to do something this court won't like.

Judge: (Laughs) that's a classic.

Lawyer: now! Answer the question you fat ass! And you can't say anything back because this place is the government! (Laughs)

Peter: yes! Yes! I was there between those hours!

Lawyer: now Mr. Griffin why would a man of your age be out so late?

Peter: well… I was working late that night and I needed some fun time and I check to see if those two were still up and they were so we decided to have a poker game.

Lawyer: well, according to the information the murder took place at 2:45 AM.

Peter: see, you can confirm it wasn't me either…

Lawyer: but… Mr. Griffin, a witness took a picture. (Pulls out a picture) it shows in the darkness of night a 300-350 pound man running with a blanket with something inside of it on his shoulder running away, and I must say this description Mr. Griffin is rather authentic to your own. Let me see… at least 40 to 50 years of age… ummm… glasses, much like yours and like I said before, very, very fat.

Peter: but I'm innocent!

Judge: Mr. Griffin don't go accusing yourself of being innocent.

Peter: but why would I want to kill her?

Lawyer: to escape the pricy bill, Road Island law states that, no matter what you have to pay for no matter how unorthodox it is you have to pay, even if it's a good size blow into your system.

(Audience gasps in "Ewwwwww')

Derrick: we did not have to go that far…

(Front)

Lawyer: I say to you, people of the jury that, this man Peter J. Griffin is lying about being at a poker game, there was blood evidence in the back of the car and the license plate matched perfectly. I don't know about you guys, but I hardly think a trial is necessary at this point. He was basically caught in the act, by Officer Swanson.

Peter: but… but… I…

Lawyer: I don't want to hear one word from the likes of trash like you, I hope you get used to your new bed… and please do not drop the soap in the showers, we all know what happens if you do that…

(Shower)

Man: (Cleaning himself, drops the soap)

(Everyone stops showering and looks at him)

Man: umm… yeah… ummm… I'm not going to pick that up… you know I'm fine if one of you do… but me… I just don't really want to.

(Everyone continues looking at him)

Man: yeah… my offer still stands.

(Courtroom)

Lawyer: I already rest my case! (Sits down on the seat)

Peter: (Biting his nails)

Peter's Lawyer: (Is shown sweating up a pool) how am I going to counter that?

(Time passes)

Peter's Lawyer: and so Peter… is indeed innocent because he is a family man. And therefore murder is, well… not something he'd do… I guess…

(Everyone blindly stairs)

Judge: okay… well then since no one else wants to come up to the stand the jury can make their decision.

Jury: we already have!

Judge: oh… then I guess I'll get to that dark alley earlier then I expected.

Peter's Lawyer: ah, geez!

Peter: (Sweating)

(Audience)

Lois: oh, goodbye Peter… will miss you…

Brian: (Sighs) it just won't be the same!

Derrick: (Sighs in relief)

Jury: we find the defendant, Peter James Griffin for the crime of murder gu-

(Just then someone enters the room holding onto Peter Drebberd, he then walks up to the front)

Man: you guys missed one piece of evidence; the fat man you saw had a receding hairline! And guess what… I found him!

(Everyone in the room gasps)

Peter: (Griffin) Peter Drebberd? You kill that hooker?

Peter: (Drebberd) and I would have gotten away with it too if it were for you and that Weed! And those damn kids and their dog!

Peter: (Griffin) huh?

Peter: (Drebberd) don't ask!

Judge: well then Mr. Drebberd… what do you have to say for yourself?

Peter: (Drebberd) could you let go of my arm?

Man: oh sorry Mr. Drebberd. (Lets go of his arm) oh, wait… damn!

Peter: (Drebberd) now no one can stop me! (Flies toward Peter Griffin)

(Both Peters get into a fight throwing punch after punch, and punch after punch)

(Everyone watches in fascination)

Judge: (As he sees them fight) ooh… that must have hurt…

Peter: (Drebberd) (Pulls out a spike and tries to stab Peter Griffin in the face)

Peter: (Griffin) (Holds him back as best and he can and then flips Drebberd off of him)

(Drebberd falls to the ground and Griffin jumps on top of him)

Peter: (Griffin) I got you now!

Peter: (Drebberd) get off me you one pound or less man!

Peter: (Griffin) (Starts tickling Drebberd)

Peter: (Drebberd) quit it! (Laughing) stop it now! (Laughing hard) I'm going to kill you… (Laughing extremely hard)

(Later on)

(They hall off Drebberd in a vehicle)

Cop: thank you for taking Drebberd out Mr. Griffin, you really showed him what for.

Peter: what can I say?

Cop: (Laughs) right you are Griffin.

Peter: no really… what can I say?

Cop: right. (Walks away)

Peter: the people of this city… my oh my…

Derrick: umm… sorry for thinking you actually killed someone Peter.

Peter: don't worry let's all go home…

(They are shown walking home towards the sun)

Meg: were glad you're back dad.

Peter: what?

Meg: I said were glad you're back.

Peter: I have no idea what you're saying Meg.

Chris: welcome back dad!

Peter: why thank you Chris! You don't know how much that means to me.

Lois: did you say something to your father Meg?

Meg: yes.

Lois: what?

Meg: I'm going to kill myself when we get home!

Peter: well the important thing is you tried honey…

(End Credits)


	8. Hollywood wants, you!

**Hollywood wants, you!**

**It seems today, that all you see, is violence in movies, and sex on TV, but where are those good old fashioned values. On which we used to rely. Lucky theirs a family guy. Lucky theirs a man who, positively can do, all the things that make us, Laugh and Cry. He's A Family Guy!**

(Outside the Griffin house) (The music is played and then we go into the house)

Derrick: (Sitting next to Brian on the couch watches TV)

(TV)

Host: and we are back to E! News! And all is right in the world of acting as Tom Cruise has made 100,000 million dollars from being in one movie here's what he had to say!

(Tom having an interview with someone)

Tom: oh, my god! Oh, my god! I've made a 100 million dollars! (Moving around)

Reporter: how do you feel Mr. Cruise?

Tom: (Starts jumping up and down on the couch) like I just got 100 million dollars! I love this life! I love this life! (Grabs onto the reporter's hands) don't you like being rich? I sure do!

Reporter: umm… Mr. Cruise please…

Tom: oh, god yeah! (Jumping up and down)

Reporter: (Sighs) well if you can't beat em, join em. (Gets on the couch and starts jumping up and down like Tom) (He also acts excited like a girl)

(TV)

Host: and in other news Brittney Spears is pregnant again, but instead of being a boy or a girl it turns out it's actually a bag of million dollar bills that was lodged up her ass during sex.

(Derrick Brian)

Derrick: now that's the life Brian!

Brian: I don't know Derrick these people just turn to crap once they get this, it hardly pays off in the end.

Derrick: that's exactly what I want to be! I want to be a multi million dollar actor! I could be the next George Clooney, except not look old and have grey hair.

Brian: Derrick I hope you know that means going to Hollywood and leaving us behind.

Derrick: well if I succeeded I wouldn't need you guys anymore anyway.

Brian: gees, that's harsh…

Derrick: yeah I know, you guys can go to hell.

Brian: what?

Derrick: nothing…

Brian: anyways Derrick I doubt you could be an actor.

Derrick: but look at me Brian! I'm a lot better built then Peter is, I mean no offense but Peter and John Goodman have started to look a lot alike.

Brian: their married to bitches?

Derrick: no! Their fat! But I on the other hand have inherited my Fathers skinny gene.

(Just then a special Report comes on)

Tom Tucker: if you are between the ages of 30 and 41 come on down to Quahog Auditions where we are holding auditions for people who wish to star in the first Quahog based action film, _Clam to ham. _Box Office predictions are already expected to be high considering its being shot in a New England town that really amounts to nothing. This is what director Stephen Jenkins had to say.

Steven: well here's an example… I've come to Quahog to shoot my next film in a clam loving area. That's why I am here… here's another example why I'm here, say I'm a man with 7 children and an ailing wife, I've come here as a last resort to make money on my next picture to pay for her operation. Thus leading into my next example showing that I might have come here because a lot of the women in Quahog are quite attractive. Which leads to my next example which-

Tom: were just going to cut it right here… auditions will be held for 5 weeks so get on down there!

Diane Simmons: in other news, a new study shows that men may be able to produce Breast Milk even better then women, find out more at eleven.

(Out of TV)

Derrick: that's it! It's kind of a conscience… but that sure is it! I'm going to be the one that gets whatever role it is in that new Stephen Jenkins film! You know he's one of my favorite directors!

Brian: man directing sure does bring back some memories…

(One Time)

Brian: (Sits at the directors chair looking at the actors as they have relations)

Actor: (You only see Brain but you here their voice) oh Janet!

Actor # 2: oh Doug!

Actor: oh let's make sweet love again!

Brian: (Watches as they engage in pleasurable activities)

Actor # 2: ah, yes! Ah, yes! Ah, yes!

Brian: (Twitches his eye a bit and smiles in happiness at what he's seeing)

(Happy Go Lucky)

Peter: (Watching the manufacturing line)

James: (Stands next to him)

Peter: write this down James…

James: yes sir…

Peter: Peter Griffin, watcher extraordinaire!

James: (Writes)

Peter: no wait! Peter, rising to the top… now that one's good.

James: (Writing)

Peter: wait another one! Peter Griffin, killing who ever crosses my path.

James: umm…

Peter: what?

James: oh nothing Mr. Griffin… (Writes it down)

Peter: I can't wait to show these notes to Mr. Weed, it will definitely make him know that I am working my tale off.

James: yeah… sure…

Peter: anyways… I'm gonna take 5 James, so you just stay snazzy! (Walks away)

James: (Follows Peter)

Peter: umm… James?

James: yes…

Peter: why are you following me?

James: well, I am your 24 hour assistant.

Peter: yes… but when I say take 5… you don't have to follow me.

James: I don't?

Peter: yeah.

James: you think you can teach me the ways of taking 5?

Peter: umm… hmm… hey look James! That guys screwing the head on that toy all wrong! Go and deal with him!

James: why that no good dirty… (Runs after the guy)

Peter: Jesus, get a life…

Jesus: (Appears behind Peter) I take offensively to that! Fine maybe I will! (Walks away)

(Audition for Steven Jenkins)

Steven: alright then! Can Mister Derrick Griffin please enter this room, and an example of entering could be like this: Walking into the room and then closing the door behind you and then standing in front of the judges, so we may judge and determine rather you work for this role or not. And then you can either run our crying, or you can jump for joy! And here's an example of that! (Gets out of his seat and then jumps up and down in the air) (He then sits back down)

Derrick: (Enters the room) (Sighs) okay…. Okay…

Steven: whenever your ready just tell us, and example o this could be-

Another Judge: Steve… please lay off…

Steven: yeah, yeah you're right…

Derrick: (Clears his throat) yo esse' Mario, are you coming over to the party later?

Steven: (Reciting lines with Derrick) Ah yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh son! I be there always and forever, I ain't ever gonna miss dem parties!

Derrick: umm… (Recites again) then you best better be bringing a gift basket cause Diaz really likes to be loved in his own home.

Steven: what does esse' want?

Derrick: Diaz wants some new Air Force Ones.

Steve: Ah yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh son!

(They both then stop reciting audition lines)

Steven: you're beautiful… (Gets up and out of his chair and walks up to Derrick and looks at him) your face… it's so fresh and zesty… my god…

Derrick: umm… so does that mean I get the part…? (A little freaked out)

Steven: you not only get the part, but I get to throw myself on you! (Taking off his shirt)

Derrick: whoa! Whoa! No way man I think just getting the part works for me.

Steven: oh… well if that is what you wish. (Puts his shirt back on) come by Monday and will verify everything. And example of coming in would be like getting into your car over mornings and then taking the highway all the way down to Jefferson street and then turning right, left, right, left, until you reach the studio.

Derrick: umm… yeah… well I'm going to go and tell the news to my family.

Steven: okay my fresh new face!

(In the hallway outside the Audition room)

Derrick: (Sees all the others who were going to go in after Derrick, he the points and laughs at them) you bitches ain't got nothing! Just turn around and go on home! (Skipping out of the place) you all don't have any business up here get the hell out and go home to your mommy's, I'm going to be a million air! (Runs out of the building)

(Happy Go Lucky)

(Bathroom)

Peter: (Is in the toilet stall) (Sighs) my best moment of piece throughout the whole day…

(Someone comes in the bathroom)

Peter: (Ignores)

(The stall door opens to the stall that Peter is in)

Peter: ahhhhhhhhhhh! (Shrieks)

James: (Stands there) do you need any extra tissues sir? Or perhaps a complementary company magazine or something to suit your time and needs.

Peter: get the hell out of here! (Slams the door shut and James stands on the outside of the door)

James: okay then… I'll just stand right here until you get done in there… don't worry if you want to call me cause I'll already be here. Just say the name: James and I will get you what you want… you know… because that's what I'm here for. So I'm just going to stand here… (Stands there not moving or saying anything)

Peter: get the hell away from the door. (He asks nicely)

James: yes sir! (Goes to the side of the door)

Peter: (Comes out and looks at James and then walks away)

James: awaiting new orders…

Peter: (Sighs)

(Home)

(Dinner table)

(Everyone sits there)

Lois: so Derrick I heard you got the part?

Derrick: (Eating) ah yeah Lois I sure did!

Meg: does that mean you're going to be rich.

Derrick: does that mean I'm going to be what?

Meg: I said does that mean you're going to be rich.

Derrick: speak up I can't hear you.

Meg: I said: does that mean you're going to be rich.

Derrick: I still can't hear you Meg.

Chris: hey Uncle Derrick, does this mean you're going to be rich?

Derrick: oh hell yes! I'm hopefully going to get filthy stinking rich!

Chris: I want to live the life of luxury!

Lois: now Chris our family is not going to change; only Derrick is getting this money so he can find his own place and live there. Just like grandma and grandpa…

Derrick: well I hadn't really said anything about leaving…

Lois: well wouldn't you want to cause if you're going to be making money then why would you want to live here?

Derrick: umm… hmm…

(Just then Peter walks in)

Peter: (Sighs) hello family… (Covered in some kind of liquid substance)

Lois: Peter! What happened to you?

Peter: (Sighs) an entire vat of beer fell on me, now when does a thing like that ever happen in a toy factory?

(Brewery)

Man: were going to place these beer vats in every toy factory in the country and when someone steps on the button then POW the whole thing falls on them\

Man # 2: this is a great plan!

Man # 3: I love it!

Man # 4: umm… why are we doing it?

Man: (Looks at Man # 4) (Pulls out a gun and shoots him)

Man # 4: (Falls over dead)

Man: so like I was saying every factory in the country…

(Home)

Derrick: Peter I have to tell you something! I'm going to be in a movie baby!

Peter: oh that's all good and done. (Sits down) what's for dinner Lois?

Lois: it's your favorite, stakems!

Peter: oooh goody, oooh goody! (Acts like a kid and claps his hands like a baby)

Derrick: hmm…

(Basement that night)

Derrick: (Sits on his bed sighing)

Brian: (Walks down stairs) what's wrong with you? I'd think a person who's going to be in a movie would be happy.

Derrick: I am but… if I do make money the family would expect me to leave and live on my own…

Brian: don't you want that?

Derrick: I can't leave…

Brian: why not?

Derrick: because…

Brian: because why?

Derrick: because!

Brian: again I ask you, because why?

Derrick: just because okay!

Brian: this doesn't have anything to do with Lois does it?

Derrick: well…

Brian: ha-ha! I knew it!

Derrick: well I'm sure you'd be doing the same thing Brian if you were in my shoes!

Brian: yeah… your point is?

Derrick: oh… umm… well there is no point, but I can not leave that hot chick, I love seeing her every day and smelling that wonderful perfume… and those supple breas-

Brian: I think that's enough of that… Mind: besides those are supposed to be my thoughts… not yours you bastard…

Derrick: well Brian what do I do in a situation like this? I really want to be a multi million dollar actor, but I also want to be around Lois… what should I do?

Brian: uhhh… well I've never been rich so I don't really know…

Stewie: (Comes running down the stairs) do you guys know anything about the movie industry?

(Brian and Derrick look at Stewie)

Brian: umm…

Derrick: not really…

Stewie: what a bunch of buffoons! You are not going to get paid right away! You have to actually work first! And you get paid afterwards! Do you guys no nothing of the Industry of higher power?

Derrick: how do you know so much?

Stewie: let's say I have my fare share of experience…

(Stewie's agent office)

Agent: but Stewie this film is starring Angelina Jolie! She's the hottest woman working in Hollywood by far!

Stewie: (Yawns) sorry but big lips turn me off…

Agent: but Stewie they are going to give you 150 million dollars!

Stewie: (Yawns again) again you are really boring me with you pestering man.

Agent: but Stewie-

Stewie: shhhhhh, shhhhh, let the people here man… you're covering their air.

(Home)

(Basement)

Derrick: so I can just stay here still even so?

Stewie: duh!

Brian: there's still hope Derrick.

Stewie: also before I go… (Slaps Derrick across the face) it's being shot in this state! So of course you'd be staying here at the Fatman's house, you skinny son of a bitch! (Runs up the stairs)

Derrick: for some reason I think I made him mad…

Brian: yep you sure did you son of a bitch.

Derrick: what was that for?

Brian: oh nothing… I was just saying what Stewie said.

Derrick: that's kind of hurtful…

Brian: yeah… sure…

Derrick: well it is…

Brian: and I'm not arguing with you.

Derrick: I know your not but you're being all uppity. What's the deal with that?

Brian: I'm always like this.

Derrick: yeah but your doing it… I mean you're doing it more then usual.

Brian: and that offends you?

Derrick: well… sure… I guess…

(They pause and stair and one another)

Derrick: I'm sorry man… (Hugs Brian)

Brian: I'm sorry too. (Hugs Derrick)

(They are acting like Gangster brothers)

(Happy Go Lucky)

Peter: (Stands running the manufacturing line and watching out for James who could arrive at any minute)

Mr. Weed: (Walks up to Peter) Peter!

Peter: (Shrieks because he thought Mr. Weed was James) oh… Mr. Weed you frightened me!

Mr. Weed: I need those Progress reports on all the workers.

Peter: oh… here you go. (Hands them to Mr. Weed)

Mr. Weed: (Looks at them) good… good… good… excellantae!

Peter: hey Mr. Weed… ummm… do you know if James called in sick today?

Mr. Weed: oh there's no way that he did. He lives here, he's just getting up.

Peter: that's a joke, right?

Mr. Weed: no… he actually lives here. Forever, and ever, and ever…

Peter: could you tell him to maybe stay in bed then?

Mr. Weed: whatever for?

Peter: because I feel scared…

Mr. Weed: he's assisting you constantly… isn't he?

Peter: no….. (He says like he's lying)

Mr. Weed: Peter… I know when you're lying… don't worry you will soon grow used to James being by your side… he can become a real friend if you really let yourself go into his wit and charm… he makes me want to just jump right on top of him and- umm… never mind…. (Slips away)

Peter: hmm… maybe I will…

James: (Appears to the side of Peter) hi, Peter.

Peter: (Screams and looks at James) hi there James… umm… how are you?

James: fine…

Peter: (Chuckles lowly) that's good… that's very good… you know… I think that's pretty good.

James: Mr. Griffin, I know the past few days I've kind of been all up in your grills and well… I'd like to say I'm sorry and I'll try to annoy you a little bit less.

Peter: really?

James: for the most part yes, but for the 2nd part, probably not.

Peter: that works for me!

(They both shake hands)

James: now let me clean your glasses. (Takes off Peter's glasses and starts rubbing them to clean them)

Peter: ah! Ah! I can't see anything without my glasses! (Steps on the floor) I don't know what will happen now… I don't know!

(All of the sudden a vat of beer falls on Peter)

Peter: ah! What are the odds!

Announcer: you can't do that on television.

(Everyone laughs in the background)

(Studio)

Derrick: so… I'm officially beginning to film this movie?

Steven: yes sir-re and I'm going to your boss for the next 5 months.

Derrick: sounds good to me. So I can still live with my family?

Steven: of course you can, and you can even have sex with your brothers hot wife, if you so desired.

Derrick: umm… (Sweating) whatever gave you that idea?

Steven: here let me give you an example. Your movements and words have indicated a love for someone close to you; therefore you want to commit incest.

Derrick: no… no way… it's not incest… she's not related to me by blood.

Steven: oh… well then you can bang that till the day you die Derrick.

Derrick: yes! (He jumps into the air with his arm pointing towards the air and there is a freeze frame with the song "Don't you forget about me" playing in the background)

(End Credits)

Note: More is to come soon, sorry for my lack of posting new chapters to this story, it's just I've had serious writers block with this story and I've been working on my Dragonball Z Fan fiction a lot more, I'll try to update again real soon. I hope you enjoyed the new one.


	9. Guess who’s coming to Quahog

**Guess who's coming to Quahog**

**It seems today, that all you see, is violence in movies, and sex on TV, but where are those good old fashioned values. On which we used to rely. Lucky theirs a family guy. Lucky theirs a man who, positively can do, all the things that make us, Laugh and Cry. He's A Family Guy!**

(Griffin house is shown)

(Everyone is shown at the table having breakfast)

Lois: (Is up at the stove)

Meg: mom… dad… I think someone's been watching me through my bedroom window…

Lois: that's nice honey.

Meg: I think they might want to abuse me…

Peter: sounds interesting…

Meg: I'm fearing for my life.

Peter: the important thing is you tried honey. And that's all that mattes…

Meg: I got a sexual threat in the mail.

Lois: and I'm sure it's a fine young boy Meg.

Derrick: well sexual thrills aside; I think we should discuss what kind of genre of movie I should stick too once my career gets set in motion.

Brian: Derrick, I don't think you should choose one specific genre here, I mean you should vary your options and choose roles not because of the genre but because of the script, you know. Cause if you just choose a specific genre it will most likely be a bad movie roll to choose.

Derrick: do you even know a thing about acting Brian?

Brian: umm… well…

Derrick: then don't speak! Seize and desist!

Brian: (Sighs)

Lois: (Turns around from the stove) by the way everyone I invited mom and dad over and guess what? I invited Francious and Thelma over as well!

Peter: (Was drinking coffee but then spits it all out and drops his newspaper he had in his hands) whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

(5 hours later)

Peter: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Derrick: (Slams his hands on the table) would you stop fucking doing that! (He yells really loud)

Peter: Lois! You know half as well as I do that Mr. Petwerschmit and my dad never get along with each other; don't you remember the last time they were in the same room together?

(One time)

(Both Carter and Francious are shown lying on the ground twitching because of a confrontation)

Peter: (Walks in) (Sighs) I don't even want to know what happened here…

(Back to real time)

Lois: I know Peter but with your brother with us now… well I thought we should get the whole family together to reminess with each other… you can invite your friends over if you want…

Peter: awesome then! Will get drunker then holy hell and we won't be embarrassed by my dad and Carter's actions.

Lois: I'm sure they won't fight Peter… I mean they've gotten older since then and well… I think now Francious has more of an acceptance for me being a Protestant and all, the last time he was here he called me a good woman with a nice rack.

Brian: you liked that comment?

Lois: it was awkward but since Francious said it, it was alright.

Peter: when are they coming?

Lois: this weekend! It's going to be a great time!

Derrick: hopefully it will be better then last years rocking New Years Eve.

(One time)

(The Ball to the New Year is dropping)

Dick Clark: and the ball is dropping.

(The ball is not even moving)

Dick: 30 seconds remain.

(The ball still has yet to move)

Dick: 13 seconds…

(The Ball has not yet begun to move)

Dick: 10…9…8…7….6…5…4….3…2…1! Happy new Year!

(The Ball does not even move yet)

Dick: Happy New Year to you all.

(Then the ball starts to move on the one minute call)

Note: you have to have seen last years rocking New Years Eve to get that joke.

(On the Weekend in the kitchen)

Lois: (Is preparing guest food)

Meg: mom he's sending threats to me again!

Lois: hmm mmm…

Meg: mom! I can't even sleep at night! I'm really scared!

Lois: hey Meg why don't you be useful and give me the pepper.

Meg: mom! (She shouts) (Walks away)

Stewie: (Walks in with Rupert in his hand) something in here smells like it's been made by a fat cow! Oh yeah! In your face bitch! (He shouts to Lois) Yeah! Now I feel high and mighty now!

(There is then a knock at the door)

(The Family answers the door)

(Carter and Barbara stand there)

Lois: hi, mom! Hi, dad!

Carter: hello pumpkin. (Hugs Lois)

(Chris and Meg run up to Carter and get hugged)

Barbara: now you do remember to wash your hands before greeting someone Lois, right?

Lois: (Sighs) yes mom…

(Carter and Barbara walk in)

Derrick: (Walks in)

Carter: Derrick! The one I wish was my son in law. (Shakes his hand) so nice to see you again it feels like it's been forever.

Derrick: well it hasn't been too long…

Carter: well the last thing I heard is that you're going to be rich soon, just like me.

Derrick: well maybe a little more money then the usual New Englander makes in a year.

Carter: even so you're going to be powerful Derrick! I see a bright career in your future.

Peter: (Comes walking in) now how come you haven't said nice things about my accomplishments?

Carter: because you're fat.

Peter: that's the reason for everything.

Carter: now let's all have a good time.

Stewie: I already know how this weakened is going to turn out… just wait until the Fatman's father gets here and there will be hell to pay. HELL TO PAY!

(Sometime later)

(There is another knock at the door)

Brian: (Answers the door) (He is slapped in the face)

Francious: never open the door to me you heathen bastard!

Brian: but Francious I have to-

Francious: I could have figured it out me self!

Brian: but you knocked…

Francious: it was a test you godless fur ball.

Thelma: hello Brian.

Brian: (Sighs) hi Thelma, I see it's the usual then.

Thelma: sure is Brian, sure is.

Peter: (Walks over) mom! Dad! (Hugs them both at the same time)

Francious: now get your hands off me boy I don't want people getting the wrong impression.

Thelma: Peter, where's you're brother I haven't seen him for a long time, I need to see what he looks like as a young man now.

Francious: nothing overly impressive…

Thelma: Francious!

Francious: what?

Derrick: (Walks in) hi mom! Hi dad!

Thelma: (Runs up to Derrick and hugs him) oh my baby! It's been so many years! We had thought we had lost you.

Derrick: don't worry mommy, I'm here to stay from now on.

Thelma: (Slaps him across the face) you didn't call, you didn't write, you surly didn't send any plane Curriers!

Derrick: I should have expected that!

Thelma: where have you been the pat 20 years?

Derrick: all over mom… all over…

Thelma: the important thing is your back honey… hey you have some behind your ears… (Starts cleaning behind his ears with spit)

Derrick: mommy… I can handle it myself… (Acting like a kid)

Thelma: oh I'm glad you're alright though Derrick.

Derrick: yeah I guess so.

(A little later)

(In the living room)

(Francious and Thelma enter and Carter and Barbara sit on the couch)

Carter: Francious…

Francious: Carter…

(They exchange looks and glances)

(Thelma and Barbara walk up to each other)

Barbara: oh hi Thelma.

Thelma: hello Barbara… ooh did you nit that sweater by yourself?

Barbara: why yes I did! Thanks for noticing.

(Francious and Carter continue to look at each other as Barbara and Thelma discuss girl things)

Carter: sure has been a little while… hasn't it Francious…?

Francious: if you try anything funny I have the lord God on my side and he won't hesitate to smite you down!

Carter: I see you're still a religious nut like you've always been.

Francious: you better believe it!

(Stewie and Brian are in the room)

Stewie: who do you bet dog that draws the first blood?

Brian: defiantly Carter.

Stewie: I'm for Francious.

Brian: you're on!

(They both shake hands to confirm the deal)

(Later at the Dinner table)

Meg: Chris do you think you can help me if that boy tries to hurt me?

Chris: I have to watch Rocky after dinner Meg; I can't do anything else if I'm watching Rocky!

Meg: but Chris!

Chris: no buts! Rocky is the most sacred thing in the world!

Meg: since when did you start loving Rocky?

Chris: since last week.

(Last week)

(Knock at the door)

Chris: (Opens the door)

(There stands Sylvester Stallone)

Sylvester: my car broke down; yo… can I like stay here, or somethin? (Talking in the way he gets mad fun of for)

Chris: (Looks at him with praise)

(You zoom in to Sylvester's face and the song: "Eye of the Tiger" comes on)

Chris: (Points inside)

Sylvester: (Checks out his biceps and floats by Chris)

(The song is still playing)

Chris: (Shouts to the sky) yahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhrggggggggg! (Like Rocky did on the stair steps in the movie)

(Back at the dinner table)

Carter: so Peter you think you can pass over some of those non-catholic bagel rolls over here?

Francious: what the hell did you just say?

Carter: I said could he pass over some bagel rolls.

Francious: I know you said something else, tell me now.

Carter: maybe I did… maybe I didn't…

Lois: now, now guys this is a family get together! There will be no fighting here!

Peter: yeah guys, come on!

Carter: fine by me…

Francious: no promises…

(They all start to eat again)

Francious: maybe after dinner we can all have a bible grouping in the living room an discuss Catholicism, and where there is no sight if Protestants or Protestant whores!

Carter: (Stands up and slams his hands on table) that's it! I have had enough to hear with your bigoting towards my religion and you being such a nut! You want to take this outside?

Francious: I've been waiting for you to ask me that all day!

Peter: (Gets up) everyone calm down here! Lois is right about what she said! Were all supposed to be getting along and all that noise… now if you don't get your act together I'm going to-

(Knock at the door)

Peter: oh sorry those are the guys we all going to be watching the Pats game. (Runs to the door)

Carter: like I said let's take it outside!

Lois: noooooooooo! You guys can't do that! If you do then I'll do something I regret.

Francious: like what?

Carter: honey you aren't contemplating killing me are you?

Lois: uhh… of course not!

Carter: oh thank god…

Francious: what's a protestant like yourself plan on doing?

Thelma: hey Barbara let's discuss old fashioned things in the next room.

Barbara: okay Thelma.

(They both get up and go into the next room)

Lois: I'm going to become a stripper and bash both Protestant religion and Catholics.

Francious: you wouldn't dare!

Carter: a stripper? What the hell kind of idea is that?

Lois: look at me daddy; men would be drooling all over this body.

Carter: right about that… umm… but anways… Lois you can't do something like that! I forbid it!

Francious: I don't want my son married to white trash that is also a Protestant if you do that.

Lois: well it's going to happen if you don't settle your differences with one another.

(Francious and Carter look at each other and glance at each other and give each other dirty looks)

Carter: well then to avoid my daughter from becoming a person with an IQ of 2 I guess I have no choice but to accept these terms of use.

Francious: err…

Lois: Francious…

Francious: oh alright! Fine I won't try anything funny or violent towards him, but so help me if he looks at me the wrong way I will lay a can of whoop ass on him… holy whoop ass!

Lois: good then! Now finish eating.

Derrick: (Suddenly says out loud) so… who wants to play scrabble after dinner?

(At the doorway)

Peter: (Answers the door)

Cleveland: hello Peter.

Peter: alrgiht guys! Now it's a party!

Quagmire: I brought a six pack and a whole lot of love. Giggtey, Giggtey, Giggtey, goo!

Joe: alright! Let's watch those Pats whoop the shit out of those New Yorkers! Yeah! Get some! Yeah! Yeah!

Peter: whoa! Save it for the Television, my friends… save it for the television…

(Later)

Carter: (Is shown on the couch taking a nap)

Francious: (Is shown tippy toeing into the room over the back of the couch)

Carter: (Talking in his sleep and snoring) yes sally… let's keep doing it… oh yes… oh yes… hey Barbara you think you can give us a towel here? (Still asleep)

Francious: (Pulls out a bucket and then goes over the couch he then lifts over the bucket and three crabs fall out on different areas on Carter)

(They snap down)

Carter: (Quickly reacts and gets up screaming running around the living room back and forth) (He does not see Francious)

Francious: (Hides behind the couch laughing hysterically)

Carter: (Running all over the place) I think their crunching the bone exterior! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

(Later outside)

Francious: (Throws a Frisbee for Brian)

Brian: do you really think I'm going to get that?

Francious: (Cocks a shotgun)

Brian: (Sighs) okay… (Walks after the Frisbee)

Carter: (Comes out of the Garage) hey Francious I think there's a huge rat in this garage that needs to be trapped and I can use a man of your caliber to help me out.

Francious: rats? I hate those heathens! (Runs to the Garage) take me to those godless bastards.

Carter: right this way my friend.

(They both go into the garage)

Carter: oh I almost forgot my net! I'll be right back, let me just close this door so the rat doesn't get out.

Francious: do what you want.

Carter: (Smirks and then closes the door as he leaves)

Francious: (Pulls out his shotgun) (Sees a toy rat standing in the middle of the garage next to the station wagon) (Walks over to it) prepare to meet your maker… and it won't be my god… only the rat god in hell!

(Francious touches the rat and then suddenly a bucket on the ceiling of the roof falls down on Francious)

Francious: what the? (Is hit with the bucket and it falls off and acidic acid was in the bucket so it is all over Francious making him burn up) oh god! Oh god! Oh god! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! (Starts running around in pain)

Carter: (Goes up to the Garage window and starts chuckling at Francious)

Francious: oh why lord! Why oh lord! (Running around screaming in pain)

(Outside)

Carter: I got that boy now son! (Acting ghetto) yeah boy! Yeah!

(Later)

Francious: (Is under his car acting like it needs a fix) (Comes out from underneath) hey Carter come over here I need an extra hand.

Carter: I thought you knew how to fix cars!

Francious: well I need your assistance Cater as a friend.

Carter: (Puts down the paper he was reading on a son bather and walks over to Francious) what do you need?

Francious: (Comes from underneath it and wipes his hands off) I'm going to see if I can start the car and see if it runs properly, I need you to go under it to if the oil is okay.

Carter: fine... sounds easy enough.

Francious: alright…. (Walks over to the car door and opens it and gets in)

Carter: (Goes under the car)

Francious: alright hold on a second… (Turns on the ignition)

Carter: I don't see anything wrong with it, it's fine-

Francious: (Starts backing up and runs over Carter)

Carter: oh Jesus Christ! (He shouts in pain) ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Oh god!

Francious: (Rolls over Carter again but this time by going forward) oh, I'm sorry about that! (Sarcastic)

Carter: oh god! Oh god! (Getting run over again by Francious)

Francious: I guess the power of Christ crushes you! (Runs him over again)

Carter: ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

(Later again)

Francious: (Is shown walking down a sidewalk minding his own business humming a tune)

Carter: (Just runs up to him and sticks an electric wire on his skin)

Francious: (Starts getting electrocuted) ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Carter: yeah! You like that, huh? Right? You like that?

Francious: ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Oh god! Oh god!

Carter: taste good doesn't it? Pain and defeat? Huh? Yeah! yeah!

(A little later)

Lois: (Is cleaning dishes)

(Derrick enters the room)

Derrick: hey Lois what's wrong with you?

Lois: ever since we told Francious and daddy to stop yelling at each other they've been getting at each other with pranks and physical comedy. I just can't get them to stop.

(There is a bomb explosion in the background outside)

Carter: (Screams)

Francious: got you bitch!

Lois: they just won't quit…

Derrick: well Lois… that's just how they are… I mean there is no stopping it, your dad has always been an arrogant son of a bitch, and my dad's always been a controlling religious nut bent on converting everyone else.

(Gun fire in the background)

Carter: I got you good that time!

Lois: maybe you're right Derrick; I guess I just can't control their hatred for one another.

Derrick: I mean Lois in some ways it's kind of funny to see what they'll do to each other next; we get for free what other people have to pay 50 bucks to see.

Lois: you know what Derrick, I think you are right. What was I thinking? They can't control themselves… thanks Derrick.

Derrick: now can we have sex?

Lois: what?

Derrick: nothing.

(In the Living room)

(Peter and the guys are watching the Patriot game)

Joe: alright Tom Brady! Way to kick some New York ass!

Cleveland: you know I honestly do not think he's the best quarterback on this team, I think Drew Bledsoe was the best.

Peter: Drew Bledsoe? He's the reason we have Tom Brady, at least that's one thing he was good for.

Cleveland: you are a hardcore man Peter.

Peter: and you better believe it. (He puts his thumb up towards the screen)

Quagmire: (Looks outside and sees Carter and Francious in two airplanes having a dogfight in the sky) umm…Peter… is it just me or is that your dad and Lois' dad shooting fighting in WW2 planes?

Peter: (Looks out the window) why yes it is… hmmm… interesting…

Joe: I'll be back guys, tell me if Brady makes a touchdown… (Rolls away)

(You hear him outside)

Joe: (Shouts) alright get down here now!

(They continue to dog fight)

Joe: alright that was your only and last warning! (Shoots down both Plaines with a shotgun)

(You hear the planes as they blow up on the ground)

Joe: (Comes rolling back in) well that's the end of that problem…

(Later)

(Both Carter and Francious are shown in the kitchen with cuts and bruises all over their bodies sitting at the table, they also have patches on their different wounds)

Carter: (Has his feet in a bucket of hot water)

Francious: (Has crutches and two broken feet) (He sits on a chair)

Lois: (Is cleaning a wound off of Carter's face) (Sighs) why would you guys go and do a thing like this?

Carter: (points towards Francious) he started it!

Francious: did not!

Carter: did so!

Francious: did not times infinite!

Carter: did so times infinite and 2!

Francious: did so times-

Lois: shut up! (She shouts really loud) you two are acting like a bunch of school kids! Why don't you guys just shut up and smell the roses and get over each other, that's all it takes!

Carter: I'm sorry honey… I didn't know it upset you that much…

Francious: I really don't care.

Lois: wait no… this is partly my fault as well… if I had just let you guys bicker with one another you wouldn't in this kind of condition, I know now that you two are different people and that you will be bound to fight. And well I need to accept that, but promise me no more physical violence. Okay?

Carter: (Sighs) (Looks at Lois) okay Pumpkin… I promise.

Francious: no promises…

Lois: (Looks menacingly at Francious)

Francious: okay, okay, okay! I promise!

Lois: (Scooches both Carter and Francious together)

Carter: (Sighs) truce. (Puts his hand out)

Francious: (Hesitates) (Puts his hand out) true.

(They both shake each others hands)

(Thelma and Barbara stand at the entrance watching)

Barbara: isn't that wonderful that they finally are going to get along?

Thelma: it sure is.

Barbara: and my Carter was the one who saved that relationship. (Walks out of the room)

Thelma: (Looks at Barbara Manically as she walks away) you're Carter! (Her eyes grow veins in them)

(You see the Griffin house from the outside)

(Suddenly the house blows up)

Stewie: looks like I win Brian.

Brian: psh... yeah right!

(End Credits shown here)

The End


End file.
